"We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention."
I
sit on a bed bolted to the floor. In the doorway people pace up and
down the hall — endlessly. No activities. No television. No
books. There is absolutely nothing to abate the boredom.
Fifty
men and women crammed into a building with only two showers.
Screaming, swearing, crying, moaning and wild laughter ring though my
room, echoing off the bare walls of the singular 100-yard hall of the
locked and forsaken residential care facility. Welcome to 13 months
of my life.
At
this facility I get in trouble for being diligent in scripture
reading. I guess the staff had never met a Mormon returned
missionary, preferring instead to write “religiosity” in
my progress notes. But with nothing else to do, occupying my mind is
difficult at best and when my scriptures are taken away, I turn to
daydreaming of who I will become — a published writer with a
master’s degree.
I
determine to become an advocate for people like me. Someone who would
show people that living successfully with mental illness was
possible. It is a joke, really because at that point in my life, I am
not sure how to do it myself. However, when I discover the secret, I
vow I will shout it to the world in an effort to alleviate others of
enduring an equally miserable existence.
Staff
frequently checks in on me, for progress purposes. Truthfully, I’m
not sure what kind of progress they expect since there isn’t
group therapy, psychoeducational classes, recreation or anything by
way of treatment other than medications.
Research
shows that medication is only one tool in the recovery toolbox.
Having the right medication is only one small piece of the puzzle.
Life skills, work, relationships, social outlets, volunteering, diet,
exercise and psychoeducation play a multi-faceted role in helping a
person move forward in recovery.
This
“care” facility doesn’t care about all the
puzzle pieces. Instead they act merely as a warehouse to keep people
safe and contained while stored away until a doctor finds the right
cocktail of medication.
When
staff questions me about my progress, I frequently talk about my
dream of becoming an award-winning author with a master’s
degree. The master’s degree is vital because my grandma had
promised me one of the awe-inspiring tramme needlepoints she’d
completed if I got married or got my master’s.
Since
I couldn’t fathom anyone ever wanting to marry a young woman
living with schizoaffective disorder (bipolar type with catatonia), I
figured the only way I’d qualify for such a priceless heirloom
was to get my masters. As far as I was concerned, receiving one of
Grandma’s needlepoints was basically an unachievable, grandiose
dream.
The
psychiatric support staff watch as I grow tired of waiting in a
two-hour line to take a shower, pick at my food because the cooking
staff gave me the 5th peanut butter sandwich in a week as
an effort to appease my vegetarian diet, incessantly read scriptures
and do anything out of sheer boredom, short of repeatedly slamming my
head in the wall.
As
far as the care center staff is concerned, the possibility of my
actual graduating with a master’s degree seems far-fetched. In
fact, according to the staff, it’s downright grandiose.
Day
after endless day, staff members try and talk me out of my
daydreaming about academia and receiving a Pulitzer. Actually, they
flat-out tell me that success is impossible because if I do ever get
out of that institution, I’ll stress myself out in the mere
effort of taking a semester’s worth of classes and wind up back
in their “care.”
They
command me to stop setting unrealistic expectations for myself,
telling me that doing so will just set me up for failure. Oddly,
failure doesn’t mean ending back in their facility (I sure
thought it did). Instead, failure constitutes trying, and not
achieving my goal. I suppose they don’t understand the concept
of trying, failing, learning from my mistakes, building on my
strengths and trying again. Who runs a marathon on their first try?
Actually,
I don’t want to sugar-coat things. My expectations are
unrealistic given my situation. The staff has a point. Before I
finding the gateway to recovery, I had applied and been accepted to
three different graduate programs. I started one, not having a
wellness toolbox filled with coping skills, and ended up catatonic
partway through the first semester. Fail!
I
made it just past the deadline for dropping, ending up with a hefty
student loan. Fail! After being accepted into the second program,
the excitement triggered a mixed mania that left me debilitated and
in that nasty institution. Fail.
Yes,
folks, I was surrounded by failure. I did a great job of reminding
myself how much of a failure I was, so did my voices. To top it off,
I was surrounded my mental health professionals who referred to my
failures as evidence of what wasn’t possible in my life by
labeling my daydreams as “grandiose ideations.”
Truth
be told, given my track record, it was easy to see that the pattern
hadn’t changed. Talk about fostering hopelessness. Why not just
dump me off in some quicksand next to a fire ant hill? Struggle will
make things worse. Why try?
Finally,
after repeatedly falling short of my own expectations, let alone that
of my family and mental health providers, their logic makes so much
sense that I become a victim of my illness. I play the victim card
well, believing I can’t help anything.
Believing
that regardless the efforts I make, my illness can’t get better
because according to the doctors I have a deteriorating condition
where each episode creates less and less capacity of living
independently. I resign myself to living in a group home. I fight
desires to change my situation out of the desperate desire to avoid
getting worse.
A
weird thing happens. I keep getting worse, despite my efforts to just
stay in some kind of maintenance. I truly am drowning in quicksand,
surrounded by well-meaning staff who only want to preserve what
little dignity I have by deflating my grandiose ideas. Staff are
unwilling to carve my grandiosity into manageable, bite-sized pieces.
One
day I decide I’ve had enough. A failure in the eyes of so many
— including myself — I figure life can’t get worse.
I decide to figure out how to leave my failures behind and realize my
grandiose ideations.
I
speak with everyone I knew about how recovery happened. I have
learned that recovery isn’t an occurrence or a destination, but
rather a journey through failures and unachieved goals where the
person behind the wheel learns from past road blocks how to build
bridges over future ones so that the recovery journey can continue.
Recovery
means using my personal characteristics and strengths to better
myself and achieve my dreams — regardless of how grandiose they
might appear to others.
Once
I make that realization, I search out peers (other people living with
severe mental illness) with whom to brainstorm wellness tools in an
effort to lessen or entirely avoid roadblocks which used to trigger
decompensation, resulting in failure. Little by painstakingly little,
I begin moving forward in recovery.
I
break down my grandiose unrealistic expectations into small,
realistic, stair-like tiers. To those who call me grandiose, I reply
with something about their limited view of a humans’ eternal
potential.
When
I first became sick, I tried to do all the things I was previously
capable of doing with little to no success. Failure after failure
piled one on top of the other. I can’t play by the same
rulebook I’d used before I became symptomatic. I can’t
play by the same playbook of those who do not live with mental
illness.
My
life is forever altered. For the first 11 years of living with my
illness, I thought living with my illness meant I would never achieve
my personal goals. Now I understand what living with my illness
means: I can achieve anything I want, but I have to do it using my
own rule and playbook to figure out how to circumvent weaknesses by
utilizing my strengths.
Ultimately
I earn two of Grandma’s prized needlepoints for achieving two
seemingly grandiose events: graduating with my masters and marrying
my best friend. Now that those two events are now in my rearview
mirror, I wonder what’s next. Good thing I have my ever
expanding wellness toolbox and travel companion. Together we can
achieve “grandiose” heights.
Sarah Price Hancock, a graduate of San Diego State University's rehabilitation
counseling Masters of Science program with a certificate psychiatric
rehabilitation.
Having embarked on her own journey with a mental health diagnosis, she is
passionate about psychiatric recovery. She enjoys working as a lector
for universities, training upcoming mental health professionals.
Sarah also enjoys sharing insights with peers working to strengthen
their "recovery toolbox." With proper support, Sarah
knows psychiatric recovery isn’t just possible — it’s
probable.
Born and raised in San Diego, California, Sarah served a Spanish-speaking
and ASL mission for the LDS Church in the Texas Dallas Mission. She
was graduated from Ricks College and BYU. Sarah currently resides in
San Diego and inherited four amazing children when she married the
man of her dreams in 2011. She loves writing, public speaking,
ceramics, jewelry-making and kite-flying — not necessarily in
that order.