"We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention."
Recently
a friend asked what the point of praying was if God had his own will.
How can you pray when you have no faith that those prayers will be
answered. Or worse, when you have seen that as life unfolds they
simply aren’t answered. You don’t have to live with
mental illness to feel like your prayers aren’t heard.
Unfortunately that’s a common feeling of many. I’ve felt
it too.
But
please, don’t confuse the seeming loud silence of unanswered
prayers with Heavenly Father’s steady work to answer your
prayers in glorious, unimaginable ways. Remember, the BEST is yet to
come. We live our lives forgetting that as eternal beings, our lives
are actually a three act playi.
That being said, some feel that this life is merely something to
endure until that glorious day, but President Hinckley said that
“Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.”ii
Well if that is true, why on earth can life be such a devastating
disaster? There is no easy answer. But let me share with you how I
found peace in the middle of despair.
Pray
with honesty. Be sincere. It’s okay to question God when you
listen for those answers with the hope that he will answer them. The
answers are rarely what we expect, but they are always heading us
towards something better—sometimes that better just takes a
really long time to happen. The answers come, slower at times than
others. But they will come.
When
I am most symptomatic, that is when all my failures come back to beat
up on me. I think that’s the same for all of us. Symptoms can
really take a toll. It’s hard. I have walked that lonely,
desperate road many times.
Let
me share with you something I've learned. It’s a combination of
two quotes I cannot find a reference for—more like sayings. It
is this: Your windshield is larger than your rear view mirror for a
reason, stare out the front with an occasional glance to the past and
you can see how far you've come. Stare in the rear view mirror for
too long and you'll steam roll through the important and exciting
things which lie ahead—completely missing them.
Don't
compare yourself to others. When living with mental illness, or an
acquired disability of any nature, what can be worse is comparing
yourself to who you used to be before the illness (or incident)
struck. Instead, compare yourself to who you were yesterday and make
a small adjustment to be a little better today--even if that change
is simply taking a shower and making your bed. You have the power to
make that change. Even the slightest, smallest good change will
completely alter your destiny, just like changing the degree on an
airline’s route or the millimeter’s change in a
railroad’s track. You will arrive at a completely new and
refreshing destination.
It
might look really awful right now. I know. I was in "that place"
from 97-2010. But I promise you, your prayers are heard. Life does
get better. It seems impossible—because it is—for now. It
will not always be that way. You are not praying wrong. I can say
that from the time I got home from my mission, I prayed I'd find a
good priesthood holder who could take me to the temple. For 15 years
I prayed for that. Then in 2010, it occurred to me that I'd met a
host of "good priesthood holders who could take me to the
temple." I realized I need to change the specifics of my prayer.
I started praying that I would find the guy that heavenly Father had
prepared me for and who had been prepared for me. I started praying
that I could finish my preparation and that he could finish his
preparation so that we could meet and get married. Gratefully five
months later, I did meet him and we were married the latter part of
2011.
If
you feel your faith is non-existent, cling to hope that things can
change. If you need some hope, you can borrow mine until you find
your own. God didn't send you here to fail. You are His child and He
has a plan specific to you which is more glorious than comprehension.
It's the prep phase that's the worst, but even during the prep
phases, look for the good. A sunset. A warm cup of hot cocoa. The
feeling after a good shower. Relish these moments and the many others
which occur daily, often unnoticed. Savor them. Seek them out. They
will carry you through till you can catch that vision of hope for
yourself.
I
kept looking at my life from all the things that I prayed for and
didn't get:
A.
I wanted into BYU as a Freshman. Nope. I got there as a Junior after
attending Ricks College for 2 years where I made lifelong friends and
enjoyed life-altering experiences unique to a small school in the
middle of nowhere.
B.
I wanted to be an EFY counselor. Nope. Come to find out, if I had,
because there is so little sleep available to an EFY counselor, I
probably would have had my first psychotic break much sooner if my
prayers had been “answered.”
C.
I wanted to be a Nauvoo performing missionary. Nope. Never figured
that one out, but I am sure there was a good reason for it. Humidity
and bugs of summer season?
D.
I wanted to marry my high school sweetheart. Nope. Come to find out,
he chose to leave the church and passed of cancer last year. Two
things which broke my heart—even 20+ years after the fact.
E.
I wanted to graduate with my bachelor's with my peers. Nope. I did
graduate 5 years later.
F.
I wanted to marry my fiancé. Nope. Come to find out he was
abusive and gratefully broke up with me before that fully unfolded.
My parents were relieved. But I'd been blinded by "love."
Didn't make it any easier though.
G.
Thought I would marry my next fiancé. Nope. Once his family
found out about my illness they convinced him to leave me. I was
devastated. But if he couldn't handle me in college, when I was still
pretty functional, there is no WAY he would have been strong enough
to handle the 12 years of psychotic/suicidal Hell that followed that
break up—which means he wouldn’t have been around to
enjoy me now with the nearly seven years of success, health,
happiness and joy.
H.
I wanted to go to graduate school. Enrolled, four times. Started
once. Forced to stop because of the catatonia. Still had to pay off
the student loan. The fourth time was a charm. Oddly, I was blessed
to graduate without a penny of debt because I got essentially a
full-ride scholarship for...drum roll please...living with
schizoaffective disorder.
I.
After graduating wanted to work with a specific company....got the
job. Was essentially fired 6 weeks later because they found out about
my illness. Got a better job—fit both my personality and my
abilities better.
K.
Wanted a job that paid more than entry level—I mean I have a
master's degree, right? Got that job. Prayed so hard to get it. But
the stress of it (and many other life stressors combined) that three
weeks ago I had my first psychotic break in 7 or 8 years. Even then I
thought the break meant my prayers were unanswered, but normally
healing from a psychotic break can take up to a year. Some people
have severe difficulty processing information and maintaining basic
activities of daily living for even longer. (It’s like
recovering from a stroke or other severe brain disturbance.) However,
I can already see how I'm healing faster from this one than I ever
have before. My doctor is stunned. I think I’ll be back in
full-swing in a month or two. During this healing process, I've had
time to re-evaluate how I want to use this silly degree of mine and
come up with something that fits both my abilities and my
personality. Keep your fingers crossed that this time I am aligning
my will with the Lord's, not just demanding that he meet mine.
I
guess my point is, I thought I knew what was best for me. I didn't.
Life is full of unanswered prayers. Thank God for them! He's got
something far better in mind for you. If I would have married any of
those three guys I thought were the answer to my prayers, I would
have missed out on the man of my dreams.
I
prayed that I would have written and published my young adult novel
by the time I was 30. Come to find out, I have a more important story
to tell and have finally found my voice. It took a very special
editor to see that and encourage it. I will forever be grateful for
her.
If
you can’t see how prayers are answered in your own life, look
at the many tragedies (or so they certainly seemed at the time) and
eventual triumphs in my life. Trust that because you are my spirit
brother or sister, our heavenly parents have something equally
exciting for you. Watch for it. In the meantime, keep praying and
doing the best with what you have. It’s all God asks. He’ll
take that, add his own divine mix and make things magical—both
in this life and in the one to come.
Happy
New Year. May this coming year be your best one yet. I’m
counting on it.
Sarah Price Hancock, a graduate of San Diego State University's rehabilitation
counseling Masters of Science program with a certificate psychiatric
rehabilitation.
Having embarked on her own journey with a mental health diagnosis, she is
passionate about psychiatric recovery. She enjoys working as a lector
for universities, training upcoming mental health professionals.
Sarah also enjoys sharing insights with peers working to strengthen
their "recovery toolbox." With proper support, Sarah
knows psychiatric recovery isn’t just possible — it’s
probable.
Born and raised in San Diego, California, Sarah served a Spanish-speaking
and ASL mission for the LDS Church in the Texas Dallas Mission. She
was graduated from Ricks College and BYU. Sarah currently resides in
San Diego and inherited four amazing children when she married the
man of her dreams in 2011. She loves writing, public speaking,
ceramics, jewelry-making and kite-flying — not necessarily in
that order.