I
once had the unfortunate experience of taking my child over to a
Primary leader’s home to apologize for my child striking her
during Primary that day.
At
five years old, this particular child did not like adults she
didn’t really know touching her and the Primary worker had been
trying to use gentle physical force rather than words to get my child
to sit down. So, my child lashed out and scratched her. The leader
was pretty offended, as from her perspective she was just trying to
help my child.
Well,
we teach our children it is never okay to hit anyone (unless a
stranger is trying to kidnap you or something equally nefarious. And
yes, we have to reiterate this exception to the rule every time
because they ask about it every time.
Apparently
being accosted by a stranger is a deep-seated fear for my children.)
However, it is safe to assume there will never be a good reason to
strike anyone while at church.
So,
feeling a mix of exasperation and shame for my child’s
inappropriate (yet from her perspective, kind-of-understandable)
behavior, we walked over to this woman’s house. When the door
was answered, I explained my daughter had come to apologize. We were
led to sit down, and with a little bit of coaching my daughter
apologized, as did I, taking all the responsibility between us.
The
experience was unfortunate, because instead of telling my daughter
she was forgiven, this woman decided to give her a little lecture
instead. My five-year-old daughter didn’t have the attention
span for this lecture, nor did she really care; she already knew from
our conversation at home that what she did was wrong. She came here
to set it right, she had done that, The End, let’s go home.
So
I sat through the lecture, smiled and nodded, then left when it was
appropriate, feeling frustrated that this Primary leader had missed
an opportunity to help me teach my child about the repentance
process, and instead had just taught her about righteous indignation.
In
this past week’s Sunday morning session of conference,
President Monson said, “Blame keeps wounds open. Only
forgiveness heals.”
And
yet, it seems to me that when we parents or teachers are refereeing
an altercation between children we are sometimes too concerned about
where to place the blame and not concerned enough whether the entire
repentance process has been practiced.
I
often hear adults admonish children to say, “I’m sorry.”
I hope this is usually done as a loving reminder rather than a
totalitarian demand. But, I rarely hear anyone turn to the other
child and ask them, “Do you forgive him? Then you need to tell
him you forgive him.”
When
the conversation is only one-sided, both children miss out on
important lessons. The child who has apologized doesn’t get the
closure and good feelings from knowing he is forgiven. The child who
either withholds forgiveness or just doesn’t know he is
supposed to forgive misses out on the opportunity to practice
selflessness and to learn that forgiveness is equally important as
the “sorry.”
Perhaps
adults think that children’s disagreements are so trivial and
they forgive so easily that such conventions are unnecessary. And
some children do easily forget hurts and run off to play with nary a
backwards glance.
However,
I have seen some children nurse a hurt for hours or days, just as
some adults do. If we do not seize the opportunity to teach
forgiveness when the offences are small, it may be much harder to do
when the offences are bigger later in life.
Besides
coaching children through a disagreement with a peer, there are two
other ways we adults can help children learn to forgive.
The
first is through our own example with other adults.
I
know this may go against some common wisdom, but my husband and I
have low-key arguments in front of our children. If we are really
arguing — at the yelling-and-plate-breaking level (okay, I’ve
never actually broken a plate that way, although I may have
thrown a Kleenex box or two) — that is a different story, and
it is blessedly rare.
But,
if we are disagreeing or working out hurt feelings or an issue that
is emotionally charged, we do it in front of our children if they
happen to be there. I know many psychologists say we should do this
behind closed doors and always present to our children a united
front; but if we do that, I wonder how will our children ever learn
how to work out their disagreements with their spouse?
If
we have argued in front of our children, then we always make up in
front of them too. When (as is typical) my husband apologizes for the
X he forgot or the Y he said or the Z he did, I tell him I forgive
him, and I stop antagonizing him about it. This does not mean I
necessarily stop feeling hurt about it in that moment, or that we
won’t discuss it any further later when we are calmer.
And,
sometimes I forgive him even when I don’t feel ready to,
because I know it is the right thing, and I want my children to see
that it is. To withhold forgiveness is generally as bad a thing to do
as whatever it is he first did to need the forgiveness.
I
don’t want them to learn that it is okay to give people the
silent treatment or slam doors in their faces or roll your eyes at
them or any other number of emotional manipulations that people often
do when they are hurt.
Sometimes
I will tell him in front of our children, “I cannot talk about
this now. I am too upset.” I think that is an okay thing to
model, because when someone hurts you, although God requires us to
forgive them, He doesn’t say it had to be right away. I will do
it as soon as I can. And I want my children to see that. I am not a
doormat, but nor do I treat their father like he is a loser.
The
second way other way we can teach our children about forgiveness is
by asking it of them for ourselves. I believe adults should
immediately fess up when they have made a mistake with a child. It
models taking responsibility for yourself and reinforces the idea
that you respect the child as a fellow person. It gets an adult off
the pedestal, which is a good thing because pedestals have a tendency
to fall eventually.
If
we apologize to our children when we have made mistakes with them
when they are young, it will hopefully preclude the bigger
resentments built on childhood hurts that can grow to catastrophic
levels in adulthood.
It
can take great humility to admit to a child you made a mistake.
Adults are supposed to know more, do better, and be the leader. But
it is important that children see we all need the atonement in our
lives; there will never be a day they will outgrow it, never a time
they don’t have to ask for forgiveness anymore.
Asking
a child for their forgiveness, when an apology is merited, seems a
childlike thing to do. The type of childlike behavior the prophet
Mormon spoke about when he wrote, “teach parents that they must
repent, and be baptized, and humble themselves as their little
children, and they shall all be saved with their little children”
(Moroni 8:10).
Learning
to say “I’m sorry” is important. But learning to
say “I forgive you” completes the lesson.
Emily
Jorgensen received her bachelor's degree in piano performance from
Brigham Young University. She earned her master's degree in
elementary music education, also at BYU. She holds a Kodaly
certificate in choral education, as well as permanent certification
in piano from Music Teacher’s National Association.
She
has taught piano, solfege, and children’s music classes for 17
years in her own studio. She has also taught group piano classes at
BYU.
She
is an active adjudicator throughout the Wasatch Front and has served
in local, regional, and state positions Utah Music Teachers'
Association, as well as the Inspirations arts contest chair at
Freedom Academy.
She
gets a lot of her inspiration for her column by parenting her own
rambunctious four children, aged from “in diapers” to
“into Harry Potter.” She is still married to her high
school sweetheart and serves in her ward’s Primary.