"We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention."
My
grandmother has a favorite quote from one of her favorite books. It
is this, “All love is unconditional. Anything else is just
approval.” The book is My Grandfather’s Blessings:
Stories of Strength, Refuge and Devotion by Rachel Naomi Remen.
When
she first shared this with me, it struck me as one of the greatest
truths I have ever heard. I
have one particularly clear memory of when I knew that I was loved
unconditionally.
My
father is an attorney. As such, he was often involved in cases were
young people were hurt, abused, or made really stupid choices.
He
couldn’t share details with us, of course, but we had an
inkling what he was dealing with when he would come home from work
and make all his children take a solemn oath they would never accept
a ride on a motorcycle.
I
recall one day when I was ironing and he came into the room. It was
his room, after all. (Our laundry room was very dark and dismal. It’s
no surprise my mom would rather do her ironing in her bedroom than
down there.)
He
sat on the edge of my parents’ bed and just shook his head, and
looked at me and said something like, “Emily if you ever find
yourself in a situation where you’re pregnant as a teenager,
please, please tell us. We won’t kick you out. We would do
anything we could to help you.”
At
the time I was about 14 and I just rolled by eyes and muttered
something about not even having kissed anyone yet. I was kind of
embarrassed about the whole idea, and figured it would be good while
before I even had a boyfriend.
But,
after he left the room and he couldn’t see my reaction, I
smiled. I felt loved. I felt safe. I felt so happy knowing my father
wouldn’t abandon me even if I really messed up my life. I knew
he was sincere and I believed him.
Perhaps
some parents might think these kinds of assurances invite children to
test whether they are true or not. I don’t think this is often
the case. On the contrary, I remember thinking,
as I took my freshly-pressed clothes to my room that day, that I was
determined to never disappoint my father by making such a poor
choice.
Though
unconditional love is not about approval, I think children who feel
loved unconditionally will want to act in such a way that they won’t
want to disappoint. Not because they fear they will lose a parent’s
love, but they will want to show their own love and appreciation for
their parent’s love by living the way their parents have taught
them.
Isn’t
this why we try to obey the commandments? God loves us. He gave us
commandments. Perhaps some of us obey those commandments out of fear
of losing God’s approval,
but I hope we obey them to show God we love Him back.
As
Christ himself charged us in John 14:15,
“If ye love me, keep my commandments.” And in 1 John
4:18 we read further, “There is no fear
in love;
but perfect love
casteth out fear:
because fear
hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.”
Because
I truly believe the best way to encourage my children to grow up to
be righteous is to love them even if they aren’t, I try to
often tell them that I will love them no matter what they do. Most
often, I just say, “I love you,” which I try to do at
least daily. But regularly I also tell them, “…and I
always will, no matter what you do.”
A
few months ago my kindergartener son kept telling me he was afraid he
was going to grow up to be a bad guy. This started because one of his
friends told him he was mean. I am pretty sure that in 5-year-old
speak this really meant, “Hey, I want to play with that toy
right now and I am not happy you are playing with it instead.”
Regardless,
he took it pretty seriously and was worried for the future of his
soul.
At
first I tried to tell him he was not going to grow up to be a
bad guy. He wouldn’t let it go. So then I tried, “I don’t
think you will be a bad guy. It is up to you, though, you get to
decide what you do and what kind of person you are. Do you want to be
a bad guy?” To which he would answer, “I don’t want
to be, but what if I am anyway?”
I
think the first time he responded with this, I tried to convince him
of all the reasons I was sure he wouldn’t be. But, as the
question persisted over additional days, I started to just answer,
“Well, that would make me really sad, but I would love you
anyway.” That, at least, changed his question. The new question
was, “would you really love me even if I were a bad guy?”
Yes.
Yes, I would.
Most
weeks for FHE my husband and I choose a lesson topic that is geared
for what we think our children need to learn; we have had lessons on
phone etiquette, appropriate sacrament meeting behavior, how to
diplomatically refuse to play Transformers (and other topics related
to Sharing and Playing together), Family Home “Wii”vening
(Ok so that one was mostly just for fun), The Great Apple Tasting of
2013 (wherein
we tasted and voted on 12 varieties of apples) and recently a review
of the Plan of Salvation.
Sometimes
the children have lessons they want to share as well.
Tonight
we decided to do something a bit different. My husband wrote each
family member’s name on the top of a piece of paper, and we
passed the sheets around, each writing down the things we liked or
admired about that person.
Our
family has been under a fair amount of stress lately with looming
competitions, recitals, due dates, business trips and the like, and I
felt we needed to focus on the positive tonight.
It
was a good activity, and gave me a chance to remember all the good
qualities about my family members, rather than how this one never
cleans up her dirty socks and that one always loses his homework
folder.
But
what touched me the most was that two of my children, the ones that
can write in legible sentences, both wrote that they knew I would
always love them.
Besides
knowing their mother has a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ,
this is the one thing I hope they always know about me — that I
will love them, no matter what.
Emily
Jorgensen received her bachelor's degree in piano performance from
Brigham Young University. She earned her master's degree in
elementary music education, also at BYU. She holds a Kodaly
certificate in choral education, as well as permanent certification
in piano from Music Teacher’s National Association.
She
has taught piano, solfege, and children’s music classes for 17
years in her own studio. She has also taught group piano classes at
BYU.
She
is an active adjudicator throughout the Wasatch Front and has served
in local, regional, and state positions Utah Music Teachers'
Association, as well as the Inspirations arts contest chair at
Freedom Academy.
She
gets a lot of her inspiration for her column by parenting her own
rambunctious four children, aged from “in diapers” to
“into Harry Potter.” She is still married to her high
school sweetheart and serves in her ward’s Primary.