Last
weekend I attended a conference for piano teachers. There were
inspirational speakers, world class performances, awards banquets,
and interesting vendor booths.
I
love going every year because I get new ideas that refresh my
teaching and am reminded of the standard of excellence that I wish to
achieve. It is easy to become complacent in any job and to stop
trying to improve; this is the way I give myself an annual kick in
the butt.
I
hate going because I realize how much I have had to compromise and
sacrifice in my career because I am a mother. I realize how many good
ideas I will never implement because I must often streamline my work
to maximize the time I can spend with my family. As I listen to the
fabulous speakers I fret about how much more I “should”
be doing and wonder about my value as a piano teacher.
This
year I sat next to a friend of mine that I went to school with way
back when. We were both piano performance majors at BYU and both went
on to additional graduate studies in music. It was interesting to
compare notes. I remember one speaker challenged us to practice our
art more — to make time to play the piano ourselves.
I
remember thinking, “Uh, exactly when? Lady, you do not have
four children. You have two dogs. You have no idea how busy I am.”
But
my friend leaned over and said, “I’m going to do it.
Twenty minutes a day. I can do that.”
Yes,
he can. Because he is The Dad in his family, and I am The Mom in
mine.
Don’t
worry; this isn’t some angry feminist diatribe.
But,
it reminded me of how many sacrifices I have made to be The Mom.
My
high school English teacher started a school club that gathered to
discuss women’s issues. I was in this club. She was one of the
strongest, most educated, intelligent, and driven women I have ever
met, and not a member of our church. We once discussed having a
career vs. being a mom, and she said, “I stayed at home with my
two children for eight years. I have never regretted that.”
That
hit me and stayed with me to this day. It was the first time I
realized motherhood and career were not necessarily mutually
exclusive.
But
it is naïve to think anyone can “have it all.” In
reality, balancing motherhood (and parenthood for that matter —
I realize men deal with these issues as well) and work life is
difficult and takes an extra measure of reliance on the Spirit.
I
recently adjudicated a piano competition with another colleague whom
I admire very much. I kind of worship her. She is not only an amazing
musician and teacher, but she is also genuine and kind. Though she is
typically the most accomplished person in the room, she never acts
like she is.
We
talked about how she has put her career on hold to raise her four
children. I told her how much I admire her, and she expressed that
she didn’t know how I could do all I do.
The
truth is, I don’t. At least, not by myself. The only way I can
do all that I do is because the Lord wants me to, plain and simple.
I
have learned that my career is so, so not even close to as important
as being a mom. However, for me, I have also learned that my paid
work is part of my mission here on the earth.
Typically,
career women are painted as despising stay-at-home moms. I have heard
stay-at-home-moms complain about how they wish they were treated more
respectfully. But honestly, I have never heard anyone I know
disparage what they do in person — only on the news and
whatnot. (I don’t doubt it happens, I just have never heard
it.)
I
wonder if this feeling has at least something to do with the value we
moms place on our own work.
I
include myself in this blame. When I meet someone new I always
introduce myself like this: “I’m an independent music
teacher, and I have four children.” Why don’t I say, “I’m
a mom of four and an independent music teacher”?
It
is because at some level, perhaps unconscious, I have bought into
this idea that the work I do as a mother is not as valued by others
as the paid work I do.
I
often hear stay-at-home mothers introduce themselves like this: “Oh,
I’m just a mom.”
It
makes me sad when I hear women undervalue their worth as mothers. It
makes me sad that their perception is that their contribution is not
valued.
A
few years ago, a student of mine, a graduating senior, was struggling
with the choice of what college to attend. As we discussed her
options and hashed through all her concerns, I felt inspired to tell
her that only one person’s opinion mattered. I could tell she
thought I was going to tell her that only her opinion mattered.
In
fact, I told her that it was only the Lord’s opinion that
mattered. If she made a decision and took it to the Lord and found
that it was what He wanted her to do with her life, then she could
have peace knowing she could trust Him, that this (whatever it
ended up being) was the most important thing for her to do. She ended
up going to her second-choice school and loving it. She knew it was
where she should be.
It
is the same when we take on the yoke of motherhood. If we really know
that it is what we are supposed to be doing with our lives —
that we chose it and continue to choose it daily, then it really
shouldn’t matter at all what anyone else thinks about it.
So,
yes, I am not the best piano teacher in the world. There are a host
of things I could do better. I could make a lot more money if I
taught more elite students. I could groom competition winners. I
could practice my art and perform. I could make a real name for
myself.
Instead,
I am a mom first. And I am OK with that, knowing that is what the
Lord wants for me right now.
Instead
of making more money I am making more cookies. Instead of teaching
more elite students I teach my kindergartener to read. Instead of
grooming competition winners, I French braid my daughters’ hair
before bed. Instead of practicing and performing, I bathe babies,
sing silly songs and finger-paint.
Instead
of making a name for myself, I am helping my children develop their
identities. The price of motherhood is a price I am glad to pay, to
raise my family the Lord’s way.
And
so, from now on, when I introduce myself, I will say I am a mom
first.
Emily
Jorgensen received her bachelor's degree in piano performance from
Brigham Young University. She earned her master's degree in
elementary music education, also at BYU. She holds a Kodaly
certificate in choral education, as well as permanent certification
in piano from Music Teacher’s National Association.
She
has taught piano, solfege, and children’s music classes for 17
years in her own studio. She has also taught group piano classes at
BYU.
She
is an active adjudicator throughout the Wasatch Front and has served
in local, regional, and state positions Utah Music Teachers'
Association, as well as the Inspirations arts contest chair at
Freedom Academy.
She
gets a lot of her inspiration for her column by parenting her own
rambunctious four children, aged from “in diapers” to
“into Harry Potter.” She is still married to her high
school sweetheart and serves in her ward’s Primary.