"We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention."
Earlier
this summer I had an epiphany. It wasn’t exactly the happy
kind. It was more the hysterical, don’t-know-if-I-should-laugh-or-cry
kind.
I
was sitting with my baby on my lap, watching my other children play,
and I was thinking about how much work this baby was, and looking
forward to when she would be a bit older. You know, because then, I
thought, my life would finally get back to normal again.
That
is when it hit me like a dodgeball to the head.
My
life was never going to be “that” normal again. It
would never return to the “normal” that was my life as a
mom of three children.
Because
I now had four. I would now always be a mother of four.
I
swear my heart started palpitating and my eyes watered. I had to take
some deep breaths. I had been living a lie for the last nine months
of my life — I kept telling myself that I just had to get
through this next year and a half or so — but, no. I would
still have four children in a year and a half. Sure, their ages and
stages would be different, but our family was permanently altered.
I
remember being told by other moms who work outside the home that the
fourth child did them in. They could no longer manage the competing
tasks of Work and Mom, and they quit their jobs and devoted their
full time to mothering. I also know a working mom of six, a doctor,
who once said that, in her observation, Mormon women have one more
child than they can handle.
I
worried about this a lot while I was carrying my fourth child; I kept
thinking, “is this my one too many?” I
kept thinking about something a mom of eight once said to me, when I
asked her how she did it. She said, “One child took all my
time. Two children took all my time. Eight children took all my time.
It didn’t matter how many I had, they would take all my time.”
I
can see how this is true. However, I can also see how my lifework
becomes much denser as each child comes to our family.
Now,
as our fourth celebrates her first birthday this month, has accepted
(after lodging several complaints) that she must wear shoes outside
since she is walking, and is starting to string intelligible
syllables together, I ponder how our family life has changed with her
in it.
I
have noticed that some things about mothering become easier with
subsequent children. You learn processes and strategies for all the
main stages of childhood as you go, so you are not always reinventing
the wheel. Also, if you are lucky enough, at least some of your
children will play well with each other, and occupy themselves long
enough to let you do the dishes and make the dinner.
However,
I have also noticed an interesting phenomenon I hadn’t guessed
at before I had multiple children. I call it The Law of Exponential
Parental Work.
When
you have one child, you have one child’s needs to meet.
When
you have two children, your work doesn’t double; it nearly
triples. You have two children’s needs to meet, true, but you
also have the relationship between the two children to nurture,
manage and police. This involves all the lessons about sharing, and
not hitting, and brokering deals between crying siblings who both
want to “help” make the dinner mommy is working on (when
of course you don’t really want any “help,” but you
can’t actually say that.)
When
you have three children, you not only have three children’s
needs, but also the relationships between #1 and #2, #2 and #3, and
#1 and #3. In other words, about six times the work as one child.
Do
you realize how much work four children must be according to my law?
If
I were to express this phenomenon mathematically, I think it would
look something like this (where “R” stands for
relationship):
Child
A + Child B + Child C + Child D + R(A+B) + R(A+C) + R(A+D) + R(B+C) +
R(B+D) + R(C+D) – (times they all get along) = All My Time.
Four
children and all their relationships total 10 entities that require
my parental attention.
I
think I have figured out why so many moms I know quit their jobs with
the fourth. It is not because childcare is too expensive. No.
The
fourth child does you in because it is nearly impossible to have four
and not have them spread far enough that they are experiencing
completely different stages of life — at least one is likely to
be in school, and that comes with a huge host of new issues to cope
with.
One
mom of four I know has one in high school, one in fourth grade, one
in kindergarten, and one in diapers. Their individual needs are so
disparate that her job description, as a mom, is twice as long as a
mom whose children are all below the age of, say, five years old.
My
one solace is that I hear it supposedly doesn’t get any worse
if I have any more children. The moms I know with more than four say
everything after four is the same — you lose your sanity with
number four, so there is nothing left to lose with number five or
more.
But
don’t tell my husband. I am pretty sure the assurance that I
will never again by sane anyway is not the best argument for adding
to our family.
Emily
Jorgensen received her bachelor's degree in piano performance from
Brigham Young University. She earned her master's degree in
elementary music education, also at BYU. She holds a Kodaly
certificate in choral education, as well as permanent certification
in piano from Music Teacher’s National Association.
She
has taught piano, solfege, and children’s music classes for 17
years in her own studio. She has also taught group piano classes at
BYU.
She
is an active adjudicator throughout the Wasatch Front and has served
in local, regional, and state positions Utah Music Teachers'
Association, as well as the Inspirations arts contest chair at
Freedom Academy.
She
gets a lot of her inspiration for her column by parenting her own
rambunctious four children, aged from “in diapers” to
“into Harry Potter.” She is still married to her high
school sweetheart and serves in her ward’s Primary.