Ever
since I was given the opportunity to write this column, I have wanted
to tackle the subject of why we are losing our boys.
For
example, why don’t more young men serve missions (the data I
could find on lds.org puts the last measured percentage at 32%)? Why
would they rather stay in their dorm room playing video games than go
on dates and get married? Why do fewer men than women finish college?
Why are there more active women than men in the Church?
However,
the sheer width and breadth of the topic is so formidable that I have
been too chicken to tackle it.
Ever
since I found out, more than five years ago, that I was going to have
a son, I have read everything that I have come across about how to
raise boys, how to teach them, what issues they typically face, and
so on. What I have learned is not comforting. We are failing them in
education, in child care, in preparing them for general adulthood as
well as the specific expectations we have for men in the LDS faith.
This
is a hot topic in the social sciences. Psychologists, educational
theorists, and social activists are searching for answers as to how
we can best help our boys become successful men.
I
will leave the science to the scientists; all I can offer here are my
observations having spent more than 5,000 hours teaching boys in a
one-on-one setting as well as trying to raise one of my own.
I
have come to feel that there are three myths prevalent in our culture
that contribute to our failure with our boys. This first part of this
short series will focus on one of these myths.
Myth
1: Boys are Easier than Girls
I
can’t count the number of times I was told this when I was
pregnant with my first son, after having two girls. After expressing
concern that I didn’t know what I was going to do with a boy,
not having been one myself of course, I would invariably be told,
“Oh, don’t worry. Boys are easier than girls.”
This
is pure ridiculousness. If it really were easier to raise boys than
it is to raise girls, we would not be seeing all the aforementioned
problems in our culture today.
What
I think people who say this really mean is, “Oh, don’t
worry. It is easier to be a lazy parent with boys.”
Look
around you at a store, and you are more likely to see young boys than
young girls being entertained with some electronic device.
Yes,
boys at the early school age are naturally more rambunctious. So,
what do we do about that?
Well,
if you are a modern American parent, you don’t interact with
them, teach them appropriate behavior in public, or make up a game
about finding groceries to engage them in what you are doing.
No.
You hand them your iPad.
And,
because, for reasons scientists are still trying to unravel, those
pixels just suck a boy’s attention right in. You’ll have
your peace and quiet for the whole trip.
This
is not good parenting. This is lazy parenting.
Yes,
it is commonly observed that many young boys struggle a bit more than
do young girls with impulse control and staying attentive. Just watch
your ward’s Primary program this year and I think you will
agree with me.
But
dealing with that by sitting them in front of a screen instead of
finding productive ways to channel that energy is disrespectful of
that child’s intelligence and potential. And I suspect science
will eventually find that it is physically harmful in the long run.
There must be a reason God made little boys wiggly.
Now,
I often hear this tired adage, “boys are easier than girls”
given a condition: “at least in the teenage years. Girls have
so much drama, with all the hormones and everything. Boys require
more energy in the early years, but are so much easier as teenagers.”
Hmmm.
Take your typical 13-year-old daughter. Imagine she walks in the
door, home from school. You say, “How was your day?” If
she is speaking to you that day and doesn’t currently hate you
for ruining her life, she will likely fill you in on what teacher was
Soooo Boring, and what boy was a Total Idiot, and how Nasty the food
was in the cafeteria that day. Oh, and can she Please, please
go to Jenny’s house Friday night?
There
may be drama and lots of complaining and slamming doors with a
teenage girl, but at least you know approximately what she is
feeling.
Take
your typical 13-year-old son. Imagine he walks in the door, home from
school. You say, “How was your day?” You get, “Fine.
I’m hungry.”
You
will likely get “Fine. I’m hungry” whether he had a
fantastic day or a crappy one.
It
takes a lot of patience, trust, and time to get out of a son what is
really going in his life.
It’s
a lot easier to take a son’s answers at face value and not to
pry. Unfortunately, our culture — both American and
specifically Mormon — trains our boys young that an acceptable
male emotional palette consists of very few colors.
How
can we as parents even think of swallowing the idea that our sons
need us less than our daughters do in the teenage years?
They
may not typically be as vocal about it, but they need parents that
are on their toes just as much as any daughter.
No
news is not necessarily good news when it comes to our children.
Rather than letting the child set the pace for conversations and time
spent together, parents must take the lead.
After
all, we are the parent here, not they. They are not obligated to come
to us. We are obligated to serve them and help, teach, guide, and
love them. We invited them here, after all. This whole “come be
my child” thing was our idea, after all.
Let’s
cowboy up for our boys, and not take the easy road.
Let’s
ask, “Why was your day fine? Anything funny happen? Any Boring
Teachers? Any Silly Girls? What did they serve for lunch?
And
just for good measure, even if they don’t seem to want it, and
respond with an eye-roll or two, throw in a hug and a kiss every once
in a while. As long as it’s not in front of their friends,
they’ll secretly be happy you did.
Emily
Jorgensen received her bachelor's degree in piano performance from
Brigham Young University. She earned her master's degree in
elementary music education, also at BYU. She holds a Kodaly
certificate in choral education, as well as permanent certification
in piano from Music Teacher’s National Association.
She
has taught piano, solfege, and children’s music classes for 17
years in her own studio. She has also taught group piano classes at
BYU.
She
is an active adjudicator throughout the Wasatch Front and has served
in local, regional, and state positions Utah Music Teachers'
Association, as well as the Inspirations arts contest chair at
Freedom Academy.
She
gets a lot of her inspiration for her column by parenting her own
rambunctious four children, aged from “in diapers” to
“into Harry Potter.” She is still married to her high
school sweetheart and serves in her ward’s Primary.