Years
ago, when I was called into Young Women, I taught the Mia Maids of my
ward. There was one particular young woman who was intelligent,
energetic, thoughtful, and very involved in all the youth activities.
She always knew the right answers; her parents were rocks in the
gospel. She was loved, provided for, had friends, and seemed very
happy to be at church.
Very
soon after leaving home for college she stopped going to church and
moved in with a boyfriend.
I
was so surprised, because I thought she knew.
I
thought she knew what the Spirit felt like. I thought she knew what
she wanted and why. I thought she had her own testimony.
Who
can say but she why she made the choices she did?
The
experience made me realize that we cannot take for granted that our
children (or primary students, or boy scouts) get
it.
It
is easy to spend most of our parenting time and energy on the
“squeaky wheel” child — the one that always has the
drama, or the extra health challenge, or lacks social skills, or
forgets everything and needs 20 reminders to brush her hair.
It
is tempting to assume that the “angel child,” the one who
does her homework and chores without being asked, that knows all the
right answers in Sunday School, that loves being a helper is just
fine.
I
think any parent with more than one child can identify which of their
children are “more challenging,” or “easier.”
Of course, all are loved deeply. All are respected and appreciated.
But
there is a danger in just assuming that all of their needs are being
met.
It
is obvious when a squeaky-wheel child’s needs are not being
met. (I admit to being a squeaky-wheel child myself. Sorry, Mom.)
They are loud, and insistent, and bossy. They take out their
feelings on others until they are taught appropriate ways to deal
with their issues.
It
is far less obvious when an “easy” child’s needs
are not being met. He may be more introverted, or quiet by nature. He
may feel intimidated by the loudness of the squeaky wheel in the
room. But, his needs are just as great.
It
can be more challenging to ascertain this child’s needs and
takes real effort to do so on the part of a parent, teacher, or
leader. It takes one-on-one time, looking him right in the eyes as
you speak to him, asking him specific questions about their life and
interests.
It
takes prayerful consideration and constant diligence to watch him
carefully and respond immediately when he does speak up to indicate a
need. The temptation is to make him wait for you to deal with the
squeaky wheel first, because you know he will wait more patiently.
But
what does it tell a child when the squeaky wheel’s needs always
come first?
At
the end of the day, “Squeaky Wheel” parenting —
where the parenting energy is doled out according to who is fussing
the loudest, is lazy parenting.
Sure,
there has to be a certain amount of parenting triage when dealing
with multiple children. One child’s needs may very well be
greater than the others’ at any given moment, and perhaps quite
often.
But
it is vital that each child get that personalized attention —
even, and perhaps especially, if a child doesn’t appear on the
outside to need it. Because they do. They all do.
I
spoke recently to someone whose children are all adults. Most of her
children have gone on to marry, have children, pursue successful
careers. But one of her sons has spent time in jail, and has made
several poor choices.
However,
she shared with me that after an initial grieving period, the Spirit
helped her come to a peaceful place where she knew, she knew,
she had done right by this child. He was making his own choices, and
she didn’t like his choices, but she could know that she had
done all she could for him.
The
fact is we cannot control what our children end up doing in their
life; but we can parent in a way full of love, attention, the daily
grind of rule enforcing and teaching by example, so that we can know
it was not our laziness or oversight that cost our children a happy
life.
We
can pray over each child — not just the one whose needs are
obvious. We can make the time to spend one-on-one time with each
child.
We
can patiently listen to them talk about their day in that
(mind-numbing!) blow-by-blow way young children have when recounting
an event. We can listen with a straight face and a sympathetic ear
when they share their (seemingly petty!) teenage dramas with us.
In
short, it is our job to parent to the best of our time and ability,
rather than trying to invest the least amount of energy we think we
can get away with.
Listen
carefully enough, and we can hear that every wheel in the house is in
need of a little oil.
Emily
Jorgensen received her bachelor's degree in piano performance from
Brigham Young University. She earned her master's degree in
elementary music education, also at BYU. She holds a Kodaly
certificate in choral education, as well as permanent certification
in piano from Music Teacher’s National Association.
She
has taught piano, solfege, and children’s music classes for 17
years in her own studio. She has also taught group piano classes at
BYU.
She
is an active adjudicator throughout the Wasatch Front and has served
in local, regional, and state positions Utah Music Teachers'
Association, as well as the Inspirations arts contest chair at
Freedom Academy.
She
gets a lot of her inspiration for her column by parenting her own
rambunctious four children, aged from “in diapers” to
“into Harry Potter.” She is still married to her high
school sweetheart and serves in her ward’s Primary.