Little
did my father know that his fateful words would forever go down in
history that Sunday afternoon.
He
was sitting at the head of the table, perusing the Sunday paper,
chatting informally with his three daughters: myself seated at the
piano, my younger sister reading a book nearby, and our third sister
also in earshot.
I
don’t remember how we got to The Comparative Declaration. But,
at some point, my father pointed out what he thought of as our
individual strengths. I know his intention was positive. I also know
as a parent myself how I tend to compare and contrast my own
children, so I can appreciate his thinking now.
However,
when he said he thought of me as Talented, and my next younger sister
as Smart, and our third sister as Pretty, what I heard was that I was
Not Smart Or Pretty; my next younger sister heard she was Not
Talented Or Pretty, and our third sister heard she was Not Talented
Or Smart.
Of
course this conversation had the completely opposite effect my father
intended. Rather than helping us feel validated in our strengths, we
felt insecure, wondering about our weaknesses.
My
dad is a great guy, and has apologized profusely for this
conversation — I don’t think any of us hold any grudges.
But, we have talked about this conversation many times in our
adulthood, because it summed up the core issues of our sibling
rivalry.
Is
sibling rivalry unavoidable?
I
am not sure; but, I think it can be mitigated by careful parenting.
There
are a surprising number of instances of sibling relationships in the
scriptures: Cain and Abel, the twelve sons of Israel, Moses and his
older brother and sister, as well as his adoptive brother Ramses, and
the sons of Mosiah, to name a few.
The
Book of Mormon opens with a story of siblings — Lehi’s
children. It also closes with a story of siblings — Jared and
his brother.
It
has always mystified me a bit why Laman and Lemuel would be that
mean to Nephi. I mean, sure, he was younger and favored of God, and
maybe that meant he got a bit cocky at times. But, really, they tried
to kill him more than once! That’s even worse than Joseph’s
older brothers selling him into slavery.
At
some point, Laman and Lemuel took an “us versus you”
approach to their relationship with their younger brother. We have no
idea when this started — perhaps it was early childhood,
perhaps a comparison by a parent or a perceived slight. They grew to
see their brother as the enemy.
As
time went on, the children of Lehi grew into two mighty peoples that
hated each other for centuries.
Contrast
this with Jared and his brother. It seems apparent, though it does
not exactly say so in the scriptures, that Jared was the older
brother. The people seemed to look to him for guidance, and most
directives came from him. Also, when his people asked for a king to
be set over them, it was Jared who decided to allow it.
Yet,
although Jared was the oldest and the leadership role naturally fell
to him, he recognized that it was his brother who had the special
relationship with God, and so Jared would constantly rely on the
counsel his brother would bring back from God.
Jared
and his brother governed as a team; they seemed to allow each other
to play to their strengths. Jared had the big ideas and the foresight
to protect his people and plan for their future; he looked to his
brother to obtain instructions from God on how to do this.
Together,
they created a cohesive society.
How
can we help foster in our children the type of relationship Jared and
his brother had, rather than the type Nephi had with his brothers?
As I have pondered this question, I have come up with a few ideas.
First,
we should never, ever, ever
compare. I know, it is nearly impossible not to do this in our heads.
But we should never give voice to these analyses.
Second,
we must maintain a zero tolerance policy for any and all aggression,
manipulation, bullying, and bossiness. This doesn’t happen by
magic. Families must set clear guidelines and consequences for these
unchristian behaviors.
Also,
we can actively seek for ways to have our children work together. It
can be assembly line cupcakes, or raking up the leaves together.
These types of activities may look picture perfect in The
Friend,
but in reality there are many opportunities for friction here. Let
those be an opportunity to teach patience, tolerance, and respect for
those younger or less able.
When
complimenting one child, do so with the help of another. Rather than
saying “that is a pretty drawing” to one child in front
of another child, turn to the other child and say, “Wow! Look
at this drawing your sister did. Isn’t it pretty?” Invite
children to complement each other frequently and see the good in each
other. Nurture a culture of mutual support in your family.
When
disciplining, point out to the “picker” how the “pickee”
feels — rather than, “you hit your brother, so you are on
time out,” a parent can say, “do you see that your
brother is crying? That is because you hit him. Please take a time
out and think about how you can help your brother feel better.”
Be
careful that you do not put too much responsibility on the oldest
child. She or he is still one of the children — not a second or
third parent. Let her be a child; making her responsible for her
siblings beyond what is reasonable is one of the surest ways I have
seen to make her resent her younger siblings and the relative freedom
they have in comparison.
And
lastly, strive to have a home where the Holy Ghost may dwell.
Carefully scrutinize the entertainment, language, tone of voice, and
teasing that goes on in your home. When the Spirit of God is present,
children are more likely to feel safe and loved — it is kind of
a chicken-and-the-egg thing. When children feel safe and loved, they
are more likely to act in a way that keeps the Spirit in the home.
As
parents we cannot control everything our children do and say to each
other, but we can model the unconditional love they will need if
their relationships with each other are to be healthy into adulthood.
Jared
and his brother remained true friends their entire lives, working
together for the benefit of their people even in their old age. What
an incredible gift it would be to give our children that kind of
friendship in their siblings.
Emily
Jorgensen received her bachelor's degree in piano performance from
Brigham Young University. She earned her master's degree in
elementary music education, also at BYU. She holds a Kodaly
certificate in choral education, as well as permanent certification
in piano from Music Teacher’s National Association.
She
has taught piano, solfege, and children’s music classes for 17
years in her own studio. She has also taught group piano classes at
BYU.
She
is an active adjudicator throughout the Wasatch Front and has served
in local, regional, and state positions Utah Music Teachers'
Association, as well as the Inspirations arts contest chair at
Freedom Academy.
She
gets a lot of her inspiration for her column by parenting her own
rambunctious four children, aged from “in diapers” to
“into Harry Potter.” She is still married to her high
school sweetheart and serves in her ward’s Primary.