Listening to the Spirit and Living with a Psychotic Spectrum Disorder
by Sarah Hancock
Sunday
I was approached by an investigator living with schizoaffective
disorder who asked me how I identify the whisperings of the Holy
Ghost. I just stood there staring at her with a complete stupor of
thought. She just voiced my daily concern.
Truthfully,
learning how to recognize the Spirit is something we all need to
learn in this life. In the Church we talk about listening and acting
on the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. However, people living with a
psychotic spectrum disorder have a unique challenge because their
brains play tricks on all five of their senses.
Theses
tricks can come in the form of an auditory voice and even sensations
in the body.
I
grew up in the gospel without mental health symptoms. I learned at a
very young age how to identify the spirit through family home
evenings, personal scripture study, Primary classes, and other
spiritual experiences.
When
I was fourteen, I decided that I needed to get my own testimony of
the gospel and began that search. After several months I discovered
my testimony through those beautiful promptings of the Holy Ghost.
My
testimony was so strong that I wanted to share with others how the
gospel had changed my life. I served a Spanish-speaking mission and
taught others how to identify the Holy Ghost in their lives. I felt
secure in my ability to recognize and feel the spirit.
Frequently
I helped people learn how to distinguish the Spirit by sharing with
them the Lord's promise to "tell you in your mind and in your
heart" (D&C 8:2).
Growing
up I never really felt that burning in my bosom. After all, not
everyone does. But I did feel that confirming, undeniable witness,
the reassuring confidence that no one can deny. I've also experienced
moments of intense warning where you know you must leave a situation
immediately.
Since
experiencing my illness, I can say that psychotic and delusional
symptoms can be the exact same. Why else do you think that people
living with these disorders are so convinced in what they believe?
They feel that delusion (good or bad) to their very core —
every fiber of their being.
Many
professionals in the field of psychiatry don’t accept receiving
personal revelation as a valid life event. In fact, some
psychiatrists feel that prophets who heard the word of God were
actually experiencing psychosis.
I
have been kept on an extended inpatient psychiatric hold for saying
and then refusing to recant that I knew God spoke to people on Earth
and that he'd actually spoken to me, answering my prayer. I've been
labeled as grandiose for saying, "Yes, I am a child of
God." I digress.
It's
one thing to have professional "experts" determined to
force you into denying a hard-earned testimony and it is an entirely
different thing to try and distinguish between those familiar
feelings of the spirit and those equally familiar symptoms of the
illness.
As
a child, I learned that as long as I keeping my covenants, I would
always be able recognize the spirit as such. I wish it were that
simple for people living with an illness on the psychotic spectrum.
It’s not.
For
that reason, people like me have to really rely on the promise made
my Alma in chapter 32, where he discusses faith and compares it to a
seed. Like a seed, I have to wait to see what kind of fruits a
decision or action makes in my life before recognizing it as the
Spirit.
This
can be difficult when it comes to receiving warnings. We know that
the Spirit will warn us when there is something harmful afoot. Those
feelings you recognize as the Spirit are the same feelings that I
experience when I experience paranoia or negative delusions.
For
example, several years ago my illness put it in my head that my
parents would be killed on an Easter road trip. I did all within my
power to warn them of this trip and convince them not to go.
Finally,
I decided to go with them so that I could warn them of passing cars
and other road dangers. I was extra alert (with nearly more than a
lethal dose of paranoid anxiety) the entire trip. I was planning what
I would have to do when my parents were gone. The entire trip I just
knew they would be killed.
Needless
to say, they weren’t. On the way home, my parents dropped me
off at the ER because I had more than crossed the line of caution and
dipped into the depths of paranoia.
I’ve
had other events in my life (which I will not go into here) where I
honestly believed that it was the Holy Ghost speaking to me, where it
was actually my illness. I basically live my life now under the
assumption that if I have enough time to plant the seed of faith
regarding a decision, I wait to see what the fruit will be.
If
not, I simply turn it over to Heavenly Father and let him know that
He must make it extremely clear to me which path I should
choose.
Whether
that means that everything falls into place or everything becomes
impossible, He is at the helm. All I can do is continue to do the
things that I know I should be doing to keep my covenants. Everything
else is left in his hands.
I
know we all must learn to do this, but can pose unique difficulties
to someone living with my illness. It is both a peaceful and scary
process — just keep your eyes peeled for that fruitful harvest.
Sarah Price Hancock, a graduate of San Diego State University's rehabilitation
counseling Masters of Science program with a certificate psychiatric
rehabilitation.
Having embarked on her own journey with a mental health diagnosis, she is
passionate about psychiatric recovery. She enjoys working as a lector
for universities, training upcoming mental health professionals.
Sarah also enjoys sharing insights with peers working to strengthen
their "recovery toolbox." With proper support, Sarah
knows psychiatric recovery isn’t just possible — it’s
probable.
Born and raised in San Diego, California, Sarah served a Spanish-speaking
and ASL mission for the LDS Church in the Texas Dallas Mission. She
was graduated from Ricks College and BYU. Sarah currently resides in
San Diego and inherited four amazing children when she married the
man of her dreams in 2011. She loves writing, public speaking,
ceramics, jewelry-making and kite-flying — not necessarily in
that order.