I
am having a problem with a woman in my ward. She is always mad at me.
No matter what I do, I get at least one indignant phone call a week
accusing me of offending her or mistreating someone in her family.
She turns innocent actions and remarks into evidence of my alleged
rudeness, unkindness and deliberate disrespect for her and her
children.
Even
though her accusations are completely outlandish, I can tell she
believes them. So I always listen and apologize and try to soothe her
feelings. But even if I spend two hours on the phone with her (which
is about how long these conversations last), or two hours talking to
her at church or at my home, the problems continue.
Also,
she tells anyone in the ward who will listen about the terrible
things I do to her and her children. I
try hard to be considerate of others, and I have never had anyone be
perpetually offended by my behavior before. I’m getting really
tired of this. What can I do?
Answer:
Have
you ever met someone who is always cold? Who is not comfortable with
the temperature in a room unless everyone else is glistening with
perspiration? Who wears a sweater to church and shivers through
Relief Society even as you are fanning yourself in your short-sleeved
blouse to keep cool? I’m sure you know someone like that —
I do (and she is a lovely person).
What
do you do about this person and her perpetual shivers? Well, nothing.
She is always cold, so the fact that she feels cold at any particular
moment does not cause you any particular concern. You don’t try
to convince her that the room is comfortable: if she feels cold, she
feels cold.
Nor
do you feel responsible for her discomfort. You instead expect that
she will carry a sweater or scarf to keep herself warm. If she says
to you, upon entering a room, “It sure is cold in here,”
you smile sympathetically. You don’t go hunting for a blanket
or the thermostat.
I
think your situation is similar. You are dealing with a woman, not
who is perpetually cold, but who is perpetually offended. It is her
state of being. And if you can truly say that (1) your behavior
towards her is respectful and socially acceptable and (2) you have
tried to mend fences with her, I suggest that you start treating her
and her problems the same way you would treat a person who was always
cold.
That
is, you are kind and sensitive, but you do not become alarmed or rush
to the rescue when she complains that her feelings are hurt.
Granted,
this is not a conventional way to respond to a person you have
offended. But the problem here isn’t that you offended this
woman. The problem is that she is determined to be offended by
everything you do. Unfortunately, there are a few such people in the
world, and when you encounter one, you cannot treat him like you
treat regular people. You have to have a special plan of attack.
Here
are six steps for responding to such a person.
One,
put on your polite listening face. If you don’t have such a
face in your portfolio of expressions, you should get one. It is an
all-purpose pleasant expression that conveys respectful listening,
and no more. It is especially useful during bizarre sacrament meeting
talks and middle school band concerts. In your situation, you will
use it to communicate: I’m listening politely to your concerns.
Two,
remember whom you are talking to. This is a person who is always
cold. Therefore, if she feels offended, it is not cause for immediate
alarm.
Three,
reflect on your behavior. Was it objectively offensive? If you
decide that it was, or that you could improve it in some way, you
should not decline to improve it just because it was this woman who
brought the deficiency to your attention.
Four,
answer her complaints simply and kindly. Use a tone that is firm,
calm and sincere, and not dismissive. For example, if she accuses you
of deliberately not looking at her while she bore her testimony, you
can respond sincerely, “Oh, I’m sorry.”
Or
if she claims that you didn’t bid on her cake at the ward
dessert auction because you wanted to embarrass her, you can say, “I
was not trying to embarrass you.”
Five,
do not engage. In the past, you have essentially rewarded this
woman’s wild complaints with hours-long conversations in which
you attempted to reassure and soothe her. I can only imagine that she
enjoys those conversations, since she calls so often.
In
the future, however, I suggest you take the opposite approach: Once
you have made your simple, kind response, you should refuse to engage
in further discussion about your alleged offense.
You
will not explain why you did what you did. You will not ask follow-up
questions about her feelings. You will not even feel upset with her
for making wild accusations. You will simply accept that she is
offended and not try to talk her out of feeling that way.
Nor
will you take to heart her complaints about your behavior. If you are
earnestly confident that you behaved appropriately, you will say to
yourself, “That’s just Nellie being Nellie.” Then,
you will redirect your thoughts, put on some music or pick up a book.
If
you start imagining snappy monologues you could direct at this
person, you will stop yourself by force of will and think of
something else. You will refuse to let her monopolize your thoughts.
Six,
excuse yourself. Once you have responded simply and kindly to
this woman’s complaints, and declined to discuss the issue
further, you are under no obligation to hang around listening to her
complain about you. So after you say, “Oh, I’m sorry,”
you can excuse yourself and go about your business.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.