"We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention."
My
sister-in-law and her family will be visiting us for Christmas. Their
family does not have the same house rules as our family. I think it’s
fine to ask them to take off their shoes in the house and only eat or
drink at the table, but my husband thinks it would be rude. But he’s
not the one who will be scrubbing spilled milk out of the playroom
carpet.
What do you think?
Answer:
I
agree with you. It is not rude to ask your sister-in-law and her
family to follow your house rules while they are visiting in your
home. House rules are simple rules of behavior that preserve the
condition of a house and its contents. They are perfectly compatible
with hospitality.
In
fact, understanding the house rules is a key ingredient to a happy
visit with relatives. And reasonable houseguests do not resent you
for telling them your rules — indeed, knowing what a host
expects is a relief, not a burden.
But
I don’t think your husband is really worried that it’s
rude to tell your five-year-old nephew to sit at the table with his
cookie. I think his real concern is that he wants his sister and her
husband to feel welcome in your home. He is concerned that applying
your rules to them and their children will make them feel unwelcome.
So
here are some suggestions for how you can give your guests a warm
welcome and promote observance of your house rules.
First,
act happy that your guests are visiting. You want them to feel
welcome in your home, so greet them warmly. Have their rooms clean
and ready. Make a special dinner or treat for them to enjoy. Engage
them in conversation and plan activities you know will interest them.
Compliment their children and their talents.
Don’t
overdo it — you don’t want to gush or seem insincere —
but have as many positive interactions with them as you can. That
way, if you have to remind a niece or nephew about a rule, the
reminder will not be the only thing he or she has heard from you all
day.
Second,
present your house rules to the children. Gather everyone
together shortly after your guests arrive. Put all of the children —
including yours — directly in front of you and say how happy
you are that they are visiting. Then, tell them that you have three
(or four or however many) important rules that everyone needs to
following order to have a good time.
You’ll
have to decide which rules are most important to you. Try to phrase
them in a positive way. For example, “All food and all drinks
stay in the kitchen,” “We sit on the furniture,”
“Shoes off at the door,” “We run outside,”
“We stay in our own back yard,” “You may look
at the piano,” “Aunt Alzina’s office and the living
room are off limits,” and so forth.
Show
the children what you are talking about. Where is the kitchen? Where
do they take off their shoes? Where are the forbidden living room and
office? Show them where they can play, run and eat. Keep your
presentation short and smile a lot. Finish by saying how much fun you
will all have together.
Although
your sister-in-law and her husband will be present, the purpose here
truly is to present the rules to the children. This is not a
passive-aggressive attempt to manipulate your sister-in-law and her
husband or control their parenting. You are simply setting forth the
basic house rules to the people who most need to follow them: the
children. Unless your guests are totally unreasonable people, they
will not be offended.
Third,
ask your sister-in-law what rules she has for her children regarding
TV, movies, computers, video games, phones and tablets. Consult
her before her young children watch or play something on a screen.
If
her rules are more stringent than yours, I suggest you follow her
rules during her visit. This will show respect for her as a parent.
Also, she won’t have to tell her children to stop playing or
watching while your children continue. It will be a good exercise in
gracious hosting for your children.
Fourth,
make allowances for your guests’ needs. For example,
consider your rule against wearing shoes in the house. That is a
reasonable prohibition for children, who have not yet learned to
check their soles before tramping in from the yard. Also, children
often enter the house at a run, and stopping to remove their shoes
slows them to an appropriate indoor speed.
However,
there are many people who cannot physically remove their shoes
without difficulty, or who cannot go without shoes because of foot,
balance or other problems. There are also people who are disgusted at
the thought of walking bare- or stocking-footed in another person’s
home.
So
if your adult guests know about your no-shoe rule, but do not remove
their shoes, don’t mention it. Assume that they are incapable
of complying and let it go. Don’t force them to tell you what
physical limitations, hang-ups or disabilities prevent them from
removing their shoes or going barefoot in your house.
These
are adults, after all. I can 99% promise you (1) that if their shoes
are truly dirty they will find a way to clean them or change them
before walking through your house and (2) that they will not ruin
your floors just by wearing their street shoes in your house. Floors
are built for walking on in shoes.
Fifth,
enforce your rules kindly and fairly among the children. If you
see toddler Rosetta wandering around with a sippy cup of milk, take
her tiny hand (and the milk) and escort her to the kitchen. If Elmo
is coming in from outside, say, “Hi, Elmo. Will you please
leave your shoes there by the door? Thank you.”
If
Clyde is playing cars on the glass living room table, say, “Hey,
Clyde. Let me show you where you can play with those.” If he
was just looking for a quiet spot to play alone, find him an equally
quiet spot to continue playing.
You
must, of course, enforce the rules on your own family. You cannot ask
people to eat in the kitchen if you or your children wander around
the house munching on toast.
Finally,
when it comes right down to it, you cannot enforce rules on adult
guests. Most adults will watch the way you do things and follow your
lead when they are guests in your home. But if they don’t, if
they plop on the couch to eat cake and put their heavy boots on your
upholstery, even after you have offered them a seat at the table, you
must remember that it is more important to treat them graciously than
it is to enforce your house rules.
And
that will probably mean saying only, “Let me slide this ottoman
under your feet,” and “Here’s a tray.”
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.