"We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention."
My
daughter and son-in-law are living with us temporarily. They moved in
last month and will be with us for about eight months. There is
plenty of room in the house (we have a main-floor master bedroom, so
they have the entire second floor to themselves) and we are delighted
to have them.
I
am not sure they are happy here, though. My daughter seems like her
normal self, but my son-in-law has changed from his friendly self
into a person who comes home, eats dinner and retreats to his room
for the rest of the evening. He is always pleasant and polite, but he
keeps largely to himself.
We
do not interfere with their business or pressure them to participate
in social or family events, and we always ask what he’d like to
do or watch on TV, so I don’t know why he’s avoiding us.
How
can we find out what is bothering him? We want him to feel
comfortable and at home.
Answer:
I
suppose it is possible that your son-in-law is having a problem that
causes him to avoid you after dinner. Perhaps he is having trouble at
work but does not wish to confide in you. Perhaps he is ashamed to be
living in your home instead of in his own dwelling. Perhaps he is
vexed by the juvenile way his wife acts when she is around you. Or
perhaps he cannot stand the TV shows you watch in the evening.
This
is all possible. And if any of these problems are the real issue, the
person who can best resolve them is your son-in-law. Although you can
be generally supportive and kind, it is quite beyond you to resolve
his job troubles, salve his pride, adjust your daughter’s
behavior or swear off a TV show you like.
However,
I think you’re making a wrong assumption. You are assuming that
but for some identifiable problem, such as the above, your son-in-law
would happily spend his evenings socializing with the family.
I
don’t think this is the case. It seems more likely that nothing
is bothering your son-in-law. He doesn’t feel uncomfortable
with you or upset by anything. He simply prefers to spend his
evenings in quiet solitude, free from the burdens of conversation and
negotiation over what show to watch or where to go on the evening
walk.
Indeed,
it is perfectly normal to enjoy private time. Most people, even
social people, need some time to themselves. And in this situation,
where your son-in-law is adapting to life with his in-laws, he might
need more alone time than he has in the past.
This
is not a problem. It is a perfectly reasonable way to cope with
suddenly having three housemates instead of just one, no matter how
much you like those housemates.
Therefore,
the most welcoming thing you can do for your son-in-law is to accept
his behavior without comment. Trying to draw him out or plan special
activities just for him will not make him feel welcome and at home.
It will make him feel like he is under attack.
If
your home is truly his home now, you will not make him waste mental
and emotional energy strategizing ways to preserve his quiet evenings
and devising excuses for not participating in social activities.
“But
he didn’t used to be this way,” you may be thinking. “He
used to sit and chat amiably.” Perhaps he did. But that was
before he lived with you, and you were probably seeing his company
manners.
Most
people have a set of company manners they use when they are trying to
fulfill the role of gracious host or easy-to-please guest. These are
the manners that cause you to say, “Oh, that’s okay,”
when your aunt spills ice cream on your couch, and that impel you to
play Apples to Apples with your cousins even though you hate that
game.
It
seems likely that your son-in-law, while visiting in your home in the
past, correctly put aside his preference for evening solitude in the
interest of being a good guest. He knew it was polite to participate
in the family discussion or activity you had planned instead of
retreating to his room after dinner. And he was willing to do it —
and probably enjoyed it — because he was only visiting for a
short time.
Now,
however, he shares your home. And although he is obligated to be
polite, thoughtful and helpful, he is not obligated to behave like an
accommodating guest and join in all of your activities. Further, he
is not on vacation, as he was when he visited you before. This is
real life, and he has to get up and go to work every day.
He
has professional, marital, social and church obligations to fulfill.
He probably has interests he wishes to pursue, and evenings may be
his only time to pursue them.
In
this light, then, it is a good sign that your son-in-law feels
comfortable enough with you to turn in after dinner. If he felt like
a guest in your home, instead of a resident, he would probably feel
obligated to spend more time with you in the evenings. The fact that
he feels free to retire early indicates that you have made him feel
truly at home.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.