My
son and his wife just had their first baby. It is my first
grandchild. We are all thrilled.
The
new parents have invited me to come and visit them and the baby. My
own mother-in-law never visited me when I had my babies, so I’m
wading into unfamiliar territory.
Do
you have any advice for me?
Answer:
It
is considerate of your son and his wife to invite you to visit. It
can be tricky for a mother-in-law to get involved when a new baby is
born, especially if she lives far away. Often, she wants to offer to
help, and she really wants to visit the baby, but she also
doesn’t want to intrude or impose.
Your
son and daughter-in-law have thoughtfully preempted this awkwardness
by simply inviting you to visit.
I
recommend that you plan your visit around two goals. First, to build
a good relationship with your daughter-in-law. Second, to be invited
back for another visit.
With
those goals in mind, and from my perspective as (fortunate)
daughter-in-law, here are four general things to do during your
visit.
First,
be a good guest. Clean up after yourself. Treat their things nicely.
Don’t rearrange the furniture. Be complimentary and positive.
If you don’t care for where they live, what they eat, how they
dress the baby, their housekeeping, their driving, or their TV
habits, keep it to yourself.
Follow
their house rules. Your son is an adult now. He and his wife are
trying to establish their own family and their own home, and it will
probably be different from yours. Do they watch daytime TV? Do they
eat in the living room? Do they do laundry on Sunday? Do they double
lock the door every time they go out?
Even
if you think their rules are silly, remember that you are a guest in
their home. Be sure to show respect for their way of doing things.
Give
them some privacy. Turn in at a reasonable hour, head out for a walk,
or do the grocery shopping as a way of giving your daughter-in-law
some alone time. Even if you get along unusually well, it can be
difficult to have another person in your house every hour of the day.
If
your daughter-in-law is nursing the baby, be sensitive to her sense
of modesty, which might be different from yours. Some mothers feel
comfortable nursing in front of other people. Other mothers do not,
especially when nursing is new to them.
Second,
be helpful. You could cook, clean, shop, do the laundry, diaper the
baby, change the beds, or mow the lawn. But exactly how and how much
you help will depend on what your daughter-in-law is comfortable
with, and what her needs are.
You are there to lighten
her load. If that means helping with the housework, you should help.
But if your help is stressful to her, you should back off and find
some other way to be supportive.
Be
observant of the way she does things, and try to follow her lead. You
are not there to instruct. You are there to support. Offer to do
things her way. “I would be happy to make dinner tonight,”
you might say. “What would you like to eat? Is there a recipe I
could make for you?”
Or,
“Can I do some laundry for you? How do you usually sort it?”
Also, be sensitive to your son’s contributions. He will
probably not want you to assume that he is unable or unwilling to
help around the house.
As
a corollary, if you do a task and she either corrects your method or
re-does it her way, try not to be offended. Having a baby can be
stressful, and if she is particular about things, the added stress of
differently done household tasks might just be too much for her right
now.
Third,
be unobtrusive. I can guarantee that your son and daughter-in-law did
not invite you to visit them because they wanted you to instruct them
in the correct methods of child-rearing, housekeeping, career
development, or personal appearance. They wanted you to visit so you
could see the baby, and perhaps to help around the house.
So,
do not give your daughter-in-law instruction or advice unless she
asks for it. Remember that she is not your daughter. (Not to say that
daughters like unsolicited advice, either.) She is not accustomed to
taking direction from you, and almost certainly does not wish to
start. You don’t want her to feel obligated to do things your
way in order to keep the peace.
Don’t
buy or bring blessing clothes for the baby unless she asks you to. As
much as you might want her to use your son’s blessing clothes
for the baby, it is her decision. You can offer them to her, but be
very clear that she is not obligated to use them.
Similarly,
don’t buy anything big for the baby until you find out what
your daughter-in-law wants or needs.
Fourth,
be gentle. Some women glide into birth and motherhood with happiness
and grace. Others stumble. Others crash. The lack of sleep, body
changes, financial pressures, and other adjustments that come with a
new baby can be overwhelming, even to the point of trauma for some
women.
Your
job as the grandma is to be supportive, helpful, sympathetic, and
kind. You are not there to tell her to buck up, to compare her to
other stellar mothers you know, or to tell her horror stories about
babies in peril. You are there to tell her what a beautiful job she
is doing in her beautiful home with her beautiful new baby.
Finally,
if any of this advice does not jibe with what you know about your
daughter-in-law, disregard it and go with what you know about her.
Your goal with this visit is to strengthen your relationship with
her, and to think first of her and the baby. A strong relationship
with her will be a tremendous blessing to you, to her, and to your
son.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.