"We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention."
I
don’t like dessert. It’s not just that I don’t eat
it to stay thin (although I am thin). I actually don’t like it!
The
problem is that people always press me to eat dessert, as if I
actually wanted to eat it, but wasn’t because of the calories
or lack of nutritional content.
I’ve
decided that I will not be pressured into eating dessert any more,
but even when I say “No, thanks” I feel awkward just
sitting there while everyone else eats.
Do
you have any ideas on how I can handle these situations better?
Answer:
So
you don’t like dessert. There is nothing wrong with that. And
there is nothing wrong with declining a dessert at a party, dinner,
shower, reception, or church activity. You simply smile and say, “No,
thank you.” Then you return to your conversation with the
person next to you.
If
your hostess looks surprised or says, “Are you sure? It’s
delicious!” you keep smiling and repeat, “No, thank you.”
Then you return to your conversation. Comments about your discipline,
your slender figure, how “good” you are, how another
person can never resist dessert, etc. should be met with a small,
pleasant smile, but no comment.
If
someone serves you a plate of dessert even after you have said “No,”
just don’t eat it.
There
are three tricks to pulling this off gracefully.
One,
act as if you are making a totally unremarkable choice that no one
cares about or even notices. If you are among polite people, they
will be acting that way anyway. It is rude to notice or comment on
what another person is eating or not eating.
If
you are among impolite people, you will just have to pretend not to
notice their rudeness. Why pretend? Because the alternative is
calling attention to their rudeness, and calling attention to a
person’s rudeness is very rude. Not only is it unkind, it makes
everyone else around you uncomfortable, which is rude to your
hostess.
So
any comments on or questions about your eating habits should be met
with mild surprise and vague answers. Your goal is to steer the
conversation away from the topic of your eating habits, not to
discuss them. Remember that you have no obligation to answer nosy or
uncomfortable questions.
For
example, imagine someone asks, “So — do you never eat
sweets or do you just not eat them in public?” You could
respond by looking almost startled, as if such a question were very
odd, and say, “Oh, I don’t know.” Then return to
your conversation or change the subject.
Two,
make absolutely sure that you are not giving off even a whiff of
distaste at the dessert itself or at the people eating it. There is
no moral implication to eating dessert, after all; it’s just a
preference, like whether or not you like Mormon pop music.
So
even if the proffered dessert is the most disgusting-looking
concoction you can imagine, entirely made of chemicals, lard, and
high-fructose corn syrup in a kitchen full of cats, and even you
think the people eating it really shouldn’t be eating
it, keep a completely pleasant expression on your face. Because, as
you will recall, it is rude to notice or comment on what another
person is eating.
It
might be tempting to explain why you do not eat dessert but I would
avoid it. You want the conversation to move away from the
topic of dessert and your eating habits, not to delve into it. And
whatever reason you give will likely be met with criticism, ribbing,
and cajoling. Also, almost any explanation would unavoidably be a
criticism of the dessert or of people who eat dessert.
Three,
continue to participate in the conversation or activity. At almost
any gathering, socializing is the primary activity, not eating. So
lean forward, engage, be part of the group. If you sit back silently
and stare skeptically — or even neutrally — at everyone
else’s plate, you will appear to be criticizing your
fellow-guests, or turning up your nose, neither of which is polite,
and neither of which will endear you to others.
So
that’s how you gracefully decline a dessert. But when it comes
right down to it, as long as you are behaving well, you need to be
comfortable being different in a group, and stop worrying about what
others will think of you. I think you might be reading more into your
decision than there is: It really, truly is no big deal if you don’t
eat dessert!
Finally,
I can think of a situation where you should eat dessert: If a dear
little child has made it just for you, and says, “Grandma, look
what I made for you,” then you match his expression of
excitement, take a big bite, and declare it delicious.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.