"We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention."
Our
son was retained in kindergarten and is a year behind his age
group in school. He is socially immature and physically small.
In
Primary, he has been placed with his age group. We can see that this
is not a good placement for him.
When
we discussed the situation with the Primary president, she was firm
that Primary classes are divided by age as of January of each year,
without exception.
Now
what?
Answer:
What
do you do now? You send your son to his assigned Primary class and
you focus on helping him be successful, even if it is difficult for
him.
I
will give you three reasons not to charge into the bishop’s
office and demand special treatment for your son.
Reason
1: The Handbook
Primary
children “are normally divided into classes based on their age
on January 1.” Handbook 2 section 11.4.3. Even “children
who have disabilities are normally included in their regular Primary
classes. As needed, and where possible, a special teacher may be
called to attend class with them or to teach them separately.”
Section 11.8.6.
In
other words, Primary classes are organized by age. Not by interest,
sex, grade, maturity, personality, size, ability to sit still, or any
other trait. (Can you imagine the mess of trying to organize Primary
any other way? It would be a nightmare.)
Further,
the Handbook emphasizes that part of the Primary experience is for
children to learn to love and understand each other, including
children with special needs and disabilities. See section 21.1.26.
Beyond
the Handbook, the Primary president, who has stewardship over the
Primary, clearly believes your son will be fine in his class, even if
things are not going smoothly right now. I suspect that if she
thought your son were having a problem that could be solved by a
different placement, she would take advantage of the word “normally”
in sections 11.4.3 and 11.8.6 and try moving him.
After
all, your son’s capacity will be the same no matter what class
he attends. His personality will be the same. His teacher will need
the same patience and need to make the same accommodations for him
because his behavior will be the same. He will interrupt, play
around, talk during class, ask to go to the bathroom ten times an
hour, be bored by the lesson, sass the teacher, and poke other kids
in either class for either teacher. All children behave this way
until they figure out how to stop themselves.
Finally,
even if he is small or immature, he will still be baptized at 8 (D&C
68:25, 27; Handbook 2 section 20.8.1), advance from Primary at 12
(section 11.8.6), and enter Elders Quorum by 19 (section 7.6.1).
Since advancement and progress in the Church runs on an age-based
schedule until adulthood, your son should be in the classes designed
to help him take each step. He will not be the only child who is
small or immature.
Reason
2: You Can Help
I
know what you’re thinking: Don’t you know what’s
best for your son? Well, maybe.
But
maybe not.
You
have to admit that parents sometimes underestimate their children, or
are overprotective. Some get the weird idea that their children
“deserve” the best of everything, including the ideal
experience in every situation. These parents may hover, or constantly
intervene. And they sometimes try to solve “problems”
that are really just the normal, necessary discomforts of childhood.
Those
discomforts are important! Children need to learn that
disappointment, sadness, difficulty, offense, loneliness, boredom,
worry, embarrassment, and unpleasantness are not the end of the
world. Such feelings are a part of life, and a person’s
happiness depends on his ability to cope with them. Learning
to cope is something each individual must do for himself.
Parents
can help children learn to cope. First, they can help children keep a
proper perspective. The sky is not actually going to fall if a child
is bored or lonely or gets in trouble with his Primary teacher. So
along with expressions of sympathy and understanding for the child’s
feelings, parents should teach the child that everyone feels that way
sometimes, and that the child can, by his own actions, endure,
ameliorate, or overcome the feelings.
Second,
parents can teach and model correct behavior. Negative emotions often
arise from wrong behavior. Parents should teach and model the
behavior they want to see in their children, like not interrupting,
not complaining, and controlling their emotions.
Third,
parents can encourage children during difficult trials. Children need
to know that their parents love them unconditionally, no matter what
happens. They also need to know that their parents have complete
confidence in the children’s ability to get through trials and
adapt to difficult situations.
Reason
3: There Is a Solution for Concrete Problems
Should
any concrete, articulable problems arise that are out of the ordinary
for a young boy, discuss solutions with his teacher and, if
necessary, the Primary president. But don’t make switching
classes your first solution for everything. Instead, focus on helping
your son get along in his assigned class.
Do
not complain publicly about the Primary president’s
decision or talk about her behind her back. Don’t make a huge
deal of the situation and get everyone in the ward talking. Do not
imply that she is more interested in following rules than in your
son’s well-being.
That
kind of behavior amounts to social pressure and bullying to get your
way. It’s wrong. And it shows an inability to cope with your
own problems in a productive way.
Above
all, never, ever complain about the situation in front of your
son. He needs to know you have full confidence in his ability to get
along in Primary.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.