My husband and I
just moved to a new state. We are both Southern, and I expected some
things to be different, culturally, now that we live in a western
state.
But something at
church has me feeling baffled and a little upset. We have attended
our new ward for at least a month, and none of the men will make eye
contact with us. None! Well, except for the Bishop. But no one
else!
I will be talking to
a friendly sister, having a pleasant get-to-know-you conversation,
while her husband stands right there, not introducing himself, not
making eye contact, completely ignoring me, as if I don't exist. It
is so weird!
I thought we Mormons
were friendly people. These men are mostly in their twenties and
newly married. Is how to introduce yourself not taught in western
states to men under thirty? Being well over thirty and having moved a
number of times, my husband and I are quite good at introductions.
So what do I do?
Their behavior strikes me as hostile. Are we being snubbed?
Answer:
I certainly hope
young people of both sexes are being taught how to introduce
themselves!
It is a simple
skill. To introduce yourself, you simply look at the person and give
your first and last name. For example, "Hello. I am John
Smith." Or if you are a woman, "Hello. I am Rosa
Evans."
So easy. Just make
eye contact. Then give your first name, followed by your last. The
last name is important. There is an unfortunate tendency for people
to omit it, even though it is an important piece of information. It
is so much easier to use the ward directory and to learn which people
belong to which family when you know surnames.
Introducing oneself
is such an elementary skill that I understand why you are baffled and
even suspicious when your fellow ward members don’t do it. But
I don't think you should be offended or get upset, because there is
no point to being upset at these men.
Being upset will
neither help nor change your problem. You will feel worse, and they
will remain the same. Remember that the answer to being upset with
someone for being rude usually boils down to accepting the person as
he is and forgiving him for offending you. Why? Because it is rude to
point out the rude behavior of others. (There are exceptions in
families, but those do not apply here.) And because you can’t
control anyone else’s behavior. You can only control your
response to it.
When you are faced
with the potentially offensive behavior of others, therefore, it is
generally best to assume that no harm was intended. Give the person
the same benefit of the doubt that you would want if you were
inadvertently discourteous. That means assuming the person would have
behaved correctly but for some obstacle or lack of understanding, and
freely forgiving his oversight.
Try to imagine
generous, plausible explanations for the men’s lack of eye
contact. Being deep in thought, for example. Or shyness. Or extreme
hunger. Or impatience with wives who like to stay after church and
chat instead of heading home for dinner and post-church naps.
Avoid the temptation
to attribute their odd behavior to some negative aspect of the
state’s culture. It would be unfair to assume all of the men in
your new state are unfriendly just because of these men.
You appear to be at
least 10 years older than most of your fellow ward members. Perhaps
these men have not yet discovered that they can strike up friendships
with persons not in their same age group. That’s a shame. One
of the best things about being an adult is the opportunity to develop
a circle of friends without regard to age.
Maybe they were
badly trained as children, or are uncommonly reserved, or just
strange. Maybe your ward is chock full of new people, and they
thought you were the established family and they the new family.
The point of this
exercise is not to accurately determine why the men don’t make
eye contact. The point is to remind yourself that many factors
besides active hostility may cause a person to behave discourteously.
Now, it is possible
that some of the men were being deliberately rude. Perhaps they
are prejudiced against Southerners or people over thirty. Perhaps
they are snobs: charming to a select group but rude to everyone else.
But ask yourself this: even if that were so, and even if they were
purposefully rude, does that change how you should behave? It
does not. You should behave well no matter what other people do.
I suggest that you
and your husband take the social initiative in your new ward.
Introduce yourselves to people warmly. Ask their names. Ask questions
about the area. Act confident and comfortable and glad to talk to
them. If you are conversing with a wife while her husband lurks
nearby, ask, “And is this your husband?” Then turn to him
and say, “Hello. I’m Rosa Evans. My husband Carl and I
just moved here.” That should jerk him out of his reverie.
But if it doesn't, I
suggest private amusement instead of taking offense. I think you will
be much happier if you choose to see this situation as an interesting
cultural experience that would be funny if it weren’t so weird.
And one more thing.
What were you wearing? If your appearance tends toward the va va
voom, that could easily explain any lack of eye contact with you,
personally. Perhaps you should double-check your neckline before
church next Sunday, just to be sure.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.