"We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention."
In the middle of my bedroom are
three boxes of my husband’s old clothes, papers, and random
junk. The boxes have been there for three months. They are in the
way. They smell musty. And every time I see them I get angry that he
hasn’t donated the clothes, shredded the papers, and thrown
away the junk.
It’s like that episode of
Everybody Loves Raymond where Ray won’t take the
suitcase upstairs, and it sits on the landing for three weeks. It’s
his responsibility, but he won’t do it.
So my question is, how can I get my
husband to get rid of these boxes? And don’t say I should do
it, because that will only encourage him to leave his mess for me
next time, too. It’s the principle of the thing that matters
here.
Answer:
You are making a mountain out of a
molehill.
Just move the boxes. And stop taking
marital advice from a sitcom about married people who snipe and pick
at each other!
Take the clothes to Goodwill.
Shred the papers.
Throw away the junk
It is the principle that
matters here, but you have the wrong principle. If your husband were
a child, and you were his mother, you would be right to make him
clean up his mess because it would be your responsibility to rear him
properly. You would even have the right to scold him for his
behavior. (Whether or not scolding is effective is another question
entirely.)
But your husband is not a child. You
are not his mother. It is not within your power to rear him because
he is already grown up. And you don’t get to scold him any more
than he gets to scold you. If he is untidy, or not thoughtful, or has
any other bad qualities, it’s too late. You are already
married. You’ll just have to focus on his good points, instead.
Does he work and earn a living? Is
he an attentive father? Does he do his home teaching? Is he kind and
generous? Those are all excellent qualities. Way more important than
being good at box disposal.
And it sounds like you might be very
good at box disposal! You obviously notice the boxes, know what is in
them, and know what needs to be done with them. I bet you could do
all of it in less than an hour.
So instead of being angry about your
role here, embrace it. Say to yourself, “Look at those boxes!
My dear husband doesn’t seem to even notice them anymore. He
must be preoccupied—probably thinking about race cars again!
Well, I love that he’s always thinking about things. I will go
ahead and move them for him. He’s busy with other things and
they are clearly bothering me more than they bother him.”
If you do this, the boxes will be
gone. You will be less angry. And most importantly, you will have
treated your husband like a treasured friend instead of like a
naughty child.
Finally, this might be stating the
obvious, but I hope you have actually asked him to dispose of the
boxes. Not, “Hey, will you deal with this mess, because it’s
driving me nuts!”
Instead, try this: “Dear,
would you please shred the papers in that box after the kids go to
bed tonight?” Or, “Would you please carry that box to the
curb on your way to work this morning?” Or, “Would you
please drop off that box of clothes at Goodwill on your way to the
store after breakfast?”
Notice that each of these requests
is, (1) a polite request, complete with “please,” (2)
concrete as to what you would like him to do, and (3) specific as to
the time at which you’d like the task done. There is no
allegedly greater principle at stake in these kinds of questions. You
are just asking him to please help you with something. You are
turning your mountain back into a molehill, where it belongs.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.