"We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention."
My
very good friend is having a birthday party for her five-year-old son
this week. I know about the party because she told me she was
planning one. She has also discussed with me several details of the
party. And her son has repeatedly told my son, who is the same age,
that he and my other children are invited.
But
even though we see these friends every day, we haven’t actually
been invited to the party.
The
party is later this week, and I’m not sure what to do. I don’t
want to show up uninvited, but I don’t want to not
show up if they are expecting us.
And if we are not
invited, does that mean that we are not really friends?
Answer:
You know what? I think
you should just ask her if you are invited to the party.
I am shocking myself with
this advice, because generally, you should never ask someone if you
are invited to his party. It’s just not done.
Parties cannot
accommodate an infinite number of guests, and lines must be drawn
somewhere when making a guest list. It would be very rude to ask
someone if you are invited to a party you heard about through the
grapevine. Or through eavesdropping.
If you have not been
invited to a party, but you ask the party-thrower if you are invited,
you put him in a very uncomfortable situation. He can say “yes”
and disrupt both his plans and his guest list; say “no”
by stammering something about a very small affair; or just stare in
surprise and say nothing.
Therefore, the correct
thing to do when you have not been invited to a party, is to pretend
the party is not happening. Then, after the party, you pretend it did
not happen. If the hosts and other guests are polite, they will do
the same, never calling attention to the fact — be it on blogs,
Facebook, or loud conversations at church — that they attended
the event. If you have moral or other objections to the way the guest
list was made, you are free to throw your own party with your own
guest list.
In this case, however,
several factors tipped me into the “just ask” direction.
First, you are very good
friends. I am trusting that your assessment of your friendship is
accurate. That you see each other socially and not just at church or
school activities. That you have extended and accepted invitations to
and from each other in the past. That you share that special
friendship bond that leads you to talk about personal subjects not
usually broached. That you seek out and enjoy each other’s
company.
Let’s imagine that
you never receive an invitation to the party and you don’t go.
Would she tell you the next day that you were missed? And be
horrified to learn that you didn’t think you were invited? And
feel awful that you didn’t feel you could ask her about it? If
she is that kind of friend, you should ask about the party.
Second, she has discussed
the party with you. It would be hideously rude of her to discuss her
party plans with or in front of you unless you were invited. Unless
it was expressly a family-only party, or a party only for people who
sang in her chorale, and she was up front about it. I think it is
reasonable of you, absent experience to the contrary, to assume your
good friend is not hideously rude.
Third, her son keeps
telling your son he is invited. In itself, the oral invitation of a
small child is not worth much. Small children are wont to invite
random people to do all sorts of things: come to my house, have a
bite of my sandwich, visit Florida with my family. That is why real
invitations must come from or be obviously sanctioned by adults.
Still, his repeated oral
invitations make it perfectly reasonable to ask because he, at least,
is expecting you to be there.
These three factors,
taken together, give you license to ask your friend if you are
invited to the party.
When you ask, however, be
sure to phrase it in a way that gives her lots of outs. “Carol,”
you might say, “I have an awkward question, and you can say no
and I will totally understand.”
“Oh! What is it?”
she will reply.
You will continue, “Well,
we had talked about Henry’s birthday party, and it seems like
he is expecting us to come, but I wasn’t sure if we were
actually invited.”
After that, you will have
to play it by ear. She might just say, “Of course you are
invited! It wouldn’t be the same without you. Please come at 7
on Thursday.”
But if it becomes clear
that you are not invited, you will have to smooth things over because
asking her about the party was, technically, your breach of manners.
No matter how hurt your feelings, keep repeating things like, “We
understand,” and “Please don’t worry about it —
I just wanted to make sure we weren’t supposed to be
somewhere!”
Are you still friends if
you are not invited? I think the question would be, does this woman
know what it means to be friends? Friends do not need to invite each
other to every event they host. But planning a party for her son that
excludes your son, who is the same age and who sees the birthday boy
every day, seems either cruel or clueless. I can think of no viable
excuse for it.
I’m betting you are
invited. But if it turns out that you aren’t, I won’t
feel a bit bad that your question made her uncomfortable. She
deserves it for discussing the party in your presence! You are not
allowed to feel satisfaction at making her feel bad. (That would be
bad manners.) I, however, am.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.