I
enjoy visiting teaching, and I visit all of my assigned sisters every
month.
I
try to visit each sister in a way that meets her needs. Sometimes
that means an in-home monthly visit. Sometimes that means a visit
every six months, and sending emails in between. Sometimes that means
driving her to the grocery store every month because she doesn't have
a car. Sometimes that means tending her kids so she can run errands
in peace.
Personally,
I dislike receiving a monthly in-home visit. It is just one more
thing I have to make happen. I prefer a friendly conversation at
church, an email, a phone call, or even a lunch out. I once had a
visiting teacher who came to my office once each month to eat lunch
with me, and I loved it.
Each
time new sisters are assigned to visit me, I explain at our first
visit that although I very much appreciate their willingness to visit
me, I prefer a non-traditional visit, such as a call. I tell them I
can accept an in-home visit every few months, but monthly is just too
much for me. I tell them that evening visits are impossible due to my
husband’s schedule. I also explain that if I need something, I
will not hesitate to ask. Most of the time they comply and serve me
as I'd like to be served, which I greatly appreciate.
But
I've recently been assigned two new visiting teachers who refuse to
hear me. They want to come to my home in the evening, stay for an
hour, and give me a prepared lesson. I have now explained three times
that I cannot meet with them in the evening, and they will not take
no for an answer. Each time I decline an appointment they respond
with, "Well, how about next week?"
I like these
sisters, and I support the visiting teaching program. How can I help
them understand that they are making visiting teaching miserable for
me because now I feel the need to avoid them rather than embrace them
as my new visiting teachers?
Answer:
Visiting
teaching is intended to meet each sister’s individual needs
(see Handbook 2, section 9.5.1). For many sisters, this means
something other than monthly in-home visits. The Handbook
anticipates, accepts, and even encourages this. So from a technical
point-of-view, your request for mostly non-traditional visits is
perfectly reasonable.
But
visiting teaching is not just about getting what you want out of
visits. It is also about supporting other sisters in their efforts to
minister. Therefore, although visiting teaching should not be a
burden for the person being visited, it does sometimes require that
person to be more flexible, patient, and understanding than she would
be in normal social interactions.
This
does not mean ceding your calendar to your visiting teachers. Nor
does it mean sitting through multi-hour gossip-fests or allowing
their children to destroy your home. It is up to you to manage the
timing and duration of the visits you receive.
In
your case, you clearly want a good relationship with your visiting
teachers. But you don’t want monthly sit-down visits. You might
not get what you want! Remember that you can’t control them or
their visiting teaching agenda. You may never persuade them that
non-traditional visits are how they can best meet your needs.
But
you can respond to them in a way that shows love and a willingness to
develop a relationship with them.
It’s
true that if you said something harsh like, “I’ve told
you three times that I don’t want you to come over! Why can’t
you just respect that! Don’t ask me again!” they may
never approach you again. But this, although direct, is the cheap way
out. Even if it is rude of them to pester you for a visit, it is not
right to repay their rudeness with rudeness of your own. And it is
miles away from charitable.
Instead,
the next time they ask to come, say, “No, I can’t ever do
evening visits. Could you just email me this month?” If she
asks about next week, repeat yourself.
Your
tone should convey that although you like her, you are perfectly
serious about the “ever” in your refusal. So don’t
squinch up your eyes as if to say, “I wish I could!” That
is insincere. Instead, keep your face almost cheerful, and use a
pleasant but no-nonsense voice.
And
don’t explain why you cannot meet in the evening. You’ve
tried that three times to no avail. Just say that you “can’t.”
“Can’t” is a perfectly acceptable reason. “Can’t”
is also the polite way of saying “won’t,” “don’t
want to,” and “no way.”
Now,
in the sample answer above, I proposed an email visit this month. In
fact, you can propose any activity you like. For example:
If
you know she walks for exercise, “I’d love to go walking
with you some morning.”
If
you both work downtown, “Let’s meet for lunch.”
You
might email her, “I have a really big performance this
Thursday, and I’d appreciate your prayers.”
And
every few months, “A visit this month would be nice. Can you
come on Monday or Tuesday morning?”
Finally,
do a little sleuthing to learn about your new visiting teachers. It
is entirely possible that one or both of them was assigned to you as
a learning experience. Is one a new or newly active member? A
prospective missionary? An eighteen-year-old who is new to Relief
Society? Was visiting you supposed to be an easy and uplifting
experience?
If
so, make an extra effort to meet with them, even if you don’t
particularly care for visits. The big picture of visiting teaching is
love.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.