In
Primary a few weeks ago, my daughter drew a picture of our family.
Off to the side, she drew an additional child. When her teacher asked
about the picture, my daughter named all of our family members and
then said that the additional child was her “sister who we
don’t have.”
After
Primary, her teacher, quite moved, showed me the picture and told me
how very sorry she was for our loss. I was confused, because we have
not had a loss. I guess she assumed I had been pregnant and
miscarried. It was awkward and I didn’t know how to respond to
her condolences. So I just said, “Thank you,” and headed
for the door.
A
week later, another sister asked about my job. I told her about a big
project I am working on, and she told me that I don’t need to
stress right now, with the baby coming and all.
Holy
cow! I’m not pregnant!
I
didn’t say anything. Just beat another hasty retreat. At the
time I thought she’d figure it out in another three months, but
now I’m wondering if I should have corrected her.
Answer:
Yes.
You should have corrected both of them immediately. The situations
were unexpected, and I sympathize with your retreat under fire. But
it is not right to allow people to believe things about you that are
not true.
A
concerned but relieved, “Oh — no, no. We didn’t
have a loss. Sylvia just has a vivid imagination,” would have
done for the first situation. The teacher would have been more
relieved than embarrassed. A surprised, “I’m not
pregnant,” would have done for the second.
But
you did not correct them. And now you’ll have to set the record
straight.
The
issue is not whether these sisters made wild assumptions about you,
or whether they deserve to labor under their delusions, or whether it
would have been awkward to correct them, or whether you care what
they think.
Nor
is the issue that you have somehow been railroaded into revealing
personal information. There was no pressure here, and no personal
information was (or will be, once you set the record straight)
actually revealed.
The
issue is that you have allowed them to believe something about you
that is not true. And it is not a socially acceptable deception, such
as allowing someone to think you liked her salad when you did not, or
answering that you were “fine” when you were not. You
have allowed them to think that something happened to you that did
not happen. And that is different than the gracious going-along of
everyday life.
To
the first sister, find a time when you’ll have a minute or two
to talk privately, either in person or on the telephone. If you want
to have this conversation via text or email, first ask yourself if
you will mind when your message is forwarded to everyone you know and
posted on Facebook. Because that is the risk you take with written
communication. If you decide to take the risk, draft your message
carefully to achieve the appropriate tone.
You
want to be sincere, but keep it simple.
“Mary,”
you’ll say, “I’m a little embarrassed, but do you
remember when Sylvia drew that family picture the other day? With the
“sister we don’t have”? Hopefully, the teacher will
nod. “Well,” you’ll continue, “I think I left
you with the wrong idea when we talked about it. The “sister we
don’t have” is just imaginary. There’s no sad
story. I was just so surprised by her picture that I didn’t
know what to say.”
She
will probably respond graciously and with some relief or
embarrassment.
And
she will know that you respect her; that you care enough about her to
make sure she does not continue to believe something that is not
true. You will save her from the embarrassment of telling anyone else
about the tender moment of seeing your daughter’s picture of
her “sister.” And you will ensure that she will never
again assume anything based on a child’s drawing.
The
situation with the second sister is a little different because, as
you pointed out, it will become apparent in the next few months that
you are not pregnant.
If
you interact with this sister frequently, she is likely to keep
asking you about the pregnancy. Therefore, I would just tell her that
you are not pregnant. The next time you see her, you could say,
“Joan, when we were talking the other day, you seemed to think
I was pregnant. I was surprised, because I’m not pregnant. I
just wanted to clear that up.”
Do
not make any reference to a pudgy midsection, if you have one. A
pudgy midsection is no excuse for assuming that a person is pregnant.
You
might also choose this approach if you think Joan is out telling the
entire ward that you are pregnant. It’s annoying that you have
to deny something that was never true, but if you believe the
alternative is quashing the ward whisper mill, you might choose to do
so.
Joan
will probably be embarrassed, but that is not your fault. Certainly,
in the future she will remember that pregnancy is never
to
be assumed unless announced to you by the pregnant person herself.
But let’s give Joan a break and imagine that some other
seemingly-reliable source told her you were pregnant, and she
believed it in good faith.
The other solution is to
let her figure it out in the coming months. I think this is all right
if you don’t speak to or see her very often. But be aware that
she might ask you about it later, at which point you will have to
tell her that you were not pregnant when you spoke before.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.