"We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention."
I
live in a no-shoe house. Is it rude to ask my guests to remove their
shoes even if it’s obviously making them uncomfortable?
Answer:
Yes!
That is very rude.
A
hostess has a solemn duty to make her guests comfortable. This does
not mean you have to allow smoking or drinking or carrying on in a
house where those things are prohibited. But it does mean that a
guest and his feelings are more important than your floor.
There
are parts of the world where removing one’s shoes is customary
when you enter a home. It’s almost a sacred responsibility. But
the United States of America, excepting perhaps coal country, is not
one of those places. The general rule in the USA is that guests
remain shod while visiting.
Think
of all the reasons a person might wish to keep his shoes on. Perhaps
it is difficult for him to bend. Perhaps the shoes are difficult for
him to fasten. Perhaps he is nursing a foot problem that is best kept
concealed within his shoe. Perhaps his socks don’t match.
Perhaps he is afraid that your floor will contaminate his feet and
not the other way around, as you suppose.
Obviously,
if a guest is dripping mud or slush, you can say something like, “Oh
dear! Look at your poor shoes! That must be so uncomfortable. Let me
put those somewhere to dry for you.” You would then fetch a
chair for the person to use and provide an appropriate place for him
to deposit the messy footwear.
But
if your guest arrives wearing normal, unsoiled shoes, you should
neither ask nor insist that he remove them. Even if he asks, “Should
I take my shoes off?” you should only reply, “No, that’s
okay.” However, if your guest expresses a desire to remove his
shoes or does it voluntarily, you may acquiesce.
I
do carve out an exception for the shoes of children who have come to
your house to play. I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask them to
leave their shoes at the door. You should also take the opportunity
to inform them of house rules in a way you would not do with adult
guests.
The
reason is that they, as children, are still subject to adult
instruction. They do not possess as much awareness and self-restraint
as adults when it comes to the proper use of and care for furniture
and furnishings. Their shoes are more likely to be muddy. Also,
adults generally do not kick or step on each other; both of these
things tend to happen among children.
I
think you will find that you, as hostess, will also be more
comfortable when your guests keep their shoes on.
First,
you will have the overwhelming satisfaction of putting the comfort of
your guests above your own feelings.
Second,
you will not have to look at anyone’s socks or bare feet. And
any private aspect of the person’s feet — such as odor or
unsightliness — will remain private.
Third,
you will not have to hover awkwardly, filled with shame, as your
guests struggle with their shoes.
Fourth,
you will have the opportunity of experiencing something you find
uncomfortable and then seeing that the sky did not fall. Or, more
specifically, you will be able to see that wearing shoes in your
house did not contaminate or damage it. This will be good for your
mental health.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.