Joyous Living in China (and Perhaps Other International Settings)
by Jeff Lindsay
The Pudong Side of the Bund in Shanghai
Having shared a variety of my
experiences here in China on the pages of the Nauvoo Times, I
hope some of you will be more willing to come here when the
opportunity comes. I thought coming here would be a sacrifice, but it
has been a blessing and joy beyond all my expectations.
After four years, hardly a day goes by
without me expressing wonder and gratitude at the privilege of being
here. My love for China has only grown, in spite of the various
challenges that Westerners may face here. I deal with some of the
challenges and the more daunting aspects on the Surviving
in China section of my website, where I discuss some issues like
the occasional scams to avoid, the problems with the Internet,
dealing with food safety, etc. Lots of places will give you advice on
those topics, and it's important to understand them to stay out of
trouble and survive here.
Beyond mere
survival, though, comes a more important factor: joyous living. For
many foreigners who find China an endless frustration and can't wait
to get back home, the joyous living part may seem remote. I'll admit
that sometimes foreigners end up in situations that are difficult and
painful. But I've seen foreigners living in remote, difficult
locations on shoestring budgets finding the same excitement and
happiness that I've experienced in Shanghai, where my circumstances
are favorable in many ways, and I've seen foreigners with much better
settings who find the place intolerable.
I've learned some
valuable lessons from those who seem to be living on more than their
fair share of joy here, and I'd like to share what I've learned.
If you approach
China in the right way, I feel you can make your stay in China
one of the most enjoyable and rewarding times of your life. (This
probably applies to many places, but there are some uniquely
wonderful things about China.)
China offers a
richness of culture, scenery, history, language, and food that can
make life here better than what you might experience anywhere else,
but it takes preparation, work, and some mental adjustments to
discover the richness that is here. You may also find Shanghai in
particular to be one of the safest, most convenient and most
delightful places on earth, IF you are flexible, overlook some gaps,
and enjoy the strengths and beauty of the city.
Yu Garden in Shanghai
It Begins with the People
A fruit vendor bravely selling passion fruit and wax fruit in the rain in Xiamen.
Finding happiness
in China, in my opinion, begins with the people. In spite of my
various warnings about scams and other dangers that I give
elsewhere, you need to understand that the Chinese people in general
are kind, honest, friendly, and very kind to foreigners. There are
times when you might cause problems and cross over hidden boundaries
when it won’t seem that way, but you’ll soon learn how to
avoid those situations and how to act properly for Chinese culture.
The key to finding
joy in China, in my opinion, is learning to respect and love the
people. Once you discover who they are and what they have to offer,
it can change your life and your attitudes. To begin, you need to get
out of your expat shell and make friends with the locals and learn
about their lives. There are many ways to do this, such as:
Hire a Chinese
teacher to come into your home at least once a week and teach you
Chinese while also discussing Chinese culture, current events, etc.
A good teacher can help you understand the vast culture behind the
words and better look into the heart of China.
Invite your
neighbors and other Chinese acquaintances into your home for dinner.
This can lead to lasting friendships and great exchanges of
information. Some of our lasting friendships arose by apparent
chance after talking to a stranger on the street or chatting with
someone on a train. Talk to people, make friends, and follow up.
If you have guards
(“menwei”)
at your apartment complex, smile at them, wave, and occasionally
bring them treats, especially Western goodies that you make or bring
to China. A plate of cookies for them to share with each other can
earn you a lot of “brownie points” and help you make
friends. If you can afford it, I also strongly recommend giving “hong bao”
(red envelopes with some cash) to all your menwei right
before the Chinese New Year holiday. Once you understand how little
they make, you’ll be grateful for the opportunity to give them
a bonus. That kindness will often be more than reciprocated by the
help they can give you. For example, once my wife left her suitcase
in the back of a taxi. The menwei at
our complex spent an hour or so reviewing security camera video
footage to track down the cab and then recognized and called the
cabbie, and we had it back that day—in time for a flight that
night. They could have just said, “Too bad!”
Treat
your ayi (maid)
well, if you have one (this also applies to a driver or others who
might be hired to help you). One of the benefits of living in China
is that help in the home is very inexpensive. Actually, it’s
often too inexpensive. While you may hire an ayi at
a fair market price, take care of her with occasional tips, be sure
to give an extra month of salary in February as part of the
traditional employer obligations to employees at New Year festival
(you can pro-rate this if they have been working for you for less
than a year), offer to pay her transportation costs to get to your
place, and pay her even when you’re away and she doesn’t
need to come to work (giving her vacation, in essence). A happy ayi who
trusts you and respects you can spare you from a variety of problems
and will be motivated to go out of her way to help you.
While tipping is
not required, I suggest doing it when you can. Cabbies will always
appreciate it. Once you learn how little they earn for working so
hard, and what a small portion of each fair actually goes to them,
you’ll realize that a small tip makes a big difference. When
they are friendly and helpful, why not give an extra tip and make
them really happy?
Don’t just
shop at expensive expat stores like Carrefour. You will get some of
the healthiest, freshest, and tastiest produce, eggs, and even meat
at local wet markets. There you can become a regular and make
friends with vendors, and experience an important part of Chinese
life: the market. Chinese markets are wonderful, but often missed by
foreigners.
What about
annoying people -- pushy salesman who approach you on the street
selling questionable products? Perhaps they are scammers or crooks,
but there’s a good chance they are real people with real
needs. They get rejection all day long. Instead of brushing off the
salesmen, be polite, smile, and say “Thank you.”
BACKGROUND: A
friend of mine asked a wise Chinese man for a powerful Chinese
“zinger” to put annoying salesmen in their place and get
rid of them. “What can I say to verbally shove them away?”
was his question. The highly educated Chinese man thought for a
moment and said, “Try this phrase: Xiexie.”
My friend was surprised: “Wait, that just means thank you!”
“Yes,” said the Chinese man, “and it’s the
right thing to say. Those pushy salesman are just people trying to
make a living, and deserve as much respect as you or I, even if we
don’t want their goods. So don’t try to make them feel
bad. Just be respectful and say, ‘Thank you’ or ‘No
thanks.’” My friend told me he felt humbled by this and
saw those annoying people on East Nanjing and elsewhere in a new
light.
What about
beggars? There’s a chance that they are scammers, but there’s
also a good chance that they are real people in difficult
situations. Carry a few coins or small bills reserved for the
occasional beggar you meet. Treat them with courtesy. Look them in
the eye, smile, and give them something. There may be times when
you’ll sense something is wrong and you may just wish to move
on, but in general, you won’t regret giving. You may even find
some regulars you really like.
Tip: When
giving, don’t expose your wallet or purse to potential
pickpockets. They are rare, but at Yu Garden a friend of mine had
her wallet and passport stolen by a group of migrant kids while she
opened up her purse to give some money to a beggar. (The empty
wallet and passport was found shortly after by a Chinese man, a
worker from the north, who spent 3 hours tracking down the owner to
return it. Since the wallet had my wife’s card in it, he
called my wife to report the wallet he had found, and waited until
we could meet him to retrieve it—one of the many honest and
kind people we have met in China.) Have your change in an
easy-to-access place.
Don’t let
language barriers stop you from connecting. Get out and meet your
neighbors. Find a translator if you need to, but introduce yourself
and find out who your neighbors are. They may not be interested, but
a consistent smile will eventually work wonders. Also try to be
sensitive to things you may do that annoy neighbors, and get
feedback from others on how to be a good neighbor. Meanwhile, keep
your expectations from others low and don’t assume that others
are being deliberately annoying when they are making too much noise
or doing other things that bother you.
Be patient in
lines, while defending your position when you need to. When people
cut in front of you, they may not have realized that you were really
in line. After all, why was there a 12-inch space in front of you if
you mean to be in line? Be patient and forgiving. You can indicate
that you are in a line and ask them to get in line (paidui)—but
do it with patience and a smile. (I know, this is easy for me to
say, and admittedly often hard to do.) They probably didn’t
understand. That’s the kind assumption, anyway, and a good way
to think about the frustrations you might experience that come from
the culture gaps you face.
Be aware of the
people around you and look for opportunities to help. If you are
healthy and strong, a seemingly frail or elderly person carrying a
heavy suitcase up or down stairs can be a great opportunity to help.
A mother struggling to get her baby’s stroller down the stairs
is another opportunity. Keep your eyes open for opportunities to do
occasional good, and be ready to back off with a smile if they
refuse help. But being considerate of the Chinese people helps
compensate for the numbing effect of living in crowds and helps you
feel more a part of the community that is China.
Be active in your
faith and get to know fellow believers from China or other parts of
the world. In China, we don't share our religion with local Chinese,
and the religious meetings we foreigners hold are for foreign
passport holders only (we don't meet with or influence congregations
of local LDS Chinese Latter-day Saints), but our congregations still
have many members who were raised in China and have married
foreigners or have foreign passports, or they might be Chinese
speakers from Taiwan, Hong Kong, Singapore, etc. Getting to know
them and understanding their lives will enrich your knowledge and
faith. At least here in Shanghai, attending church meetings is
especially fun because of the diverse people we interact with and
the many interesting strangers we get to meet regularly.
In general, go out
of your way to be friendly and respectful to people, though sometimes
you’ll need to be firm and insistent. The times you slip and
lose your patience will be times of regret. There are things that
happen that will try your patience and yes, it may be easy to become
angry and frustrated. But remember who the people are and give them a
break, and recognize they are probably giving you a break all the
time for the cultural blunders you commit.
The times you do
things that help others and the times you overlook the things that
annoy are the times when you will most quickly appreciate who the
Chinese people really are. The more you can see the good in these
very different but very similar neighbors, the more you will connect
with China and find happiness and excitement living here. But do take
steps to avoid some of the problems that can leave you feeling angry
and frustrated.
One opportunity to
serve comes through various charities. My employer runs one of
the China's biggest private charitable trusts, the Huang Yi Cong
Foundation, which provides help to needy school children in Gansu
Province and supports other charitable efforts in China. Many of my
colleagues donate a small part of their monthly income to
the Foundation, which helps them become connected with
the child or children they are helping. They receive
occasional letters and photos that help them better
understand the difficult life of the poor in China and
give them opportunities to make a lasting difference. There
are other organizations, of course, providing opportunities to make a
difference, but I'm proud of the good people running the Huang Yi
Cong Foundation and their passionate care for the needy families they
serve.
In addition to
building connections with the people, you’ll love your China
experience more if you experience Chinese culture. There are many
ways to do this. Go to museums, parks, community events, etc. Walk
through neighborhoods and watch the dancing, game playing,
calligraphy, tai qi, etc. Parks in the morning are great places to
visit, and the Bund between 6 am and 7 am is another example, as you
witness kite flyers and others at their best. Get involved in
community events like special interest groups, classes, musical
productions, dance groups, etc., especially those that reflect
Chinese culture. There are numerous possibilities for friendships and
mind-expanding opportunities here.
A tai qi group in a park across the street from our apartment.
A master of tai qi attempts to teach a group of foreigners at one of our YSA activities.
Again, don’t
live in an expat shell. Get out and experience China and its culture.
That includes the food. Please don’t just eat Western food.
Learn about the many varieties of sophisticated Chinese food and
experience many parts of China through its cuisine. Also learn about
Chinese history, watch some Chinese movies, and continue learning the
language and the culture as much as you can. You’ll find China
to be a never-ending puzzle and mystery that rewards you deeply for
each layer you unravel.
I hope you will experience life in
China one day. May your experience here be exhilarating!
My wife with a couple of longtime friends we met at one of Shanghai's famous markets.
Jeff Lindsay has been defending the Church on the Internet since 1994, when he launched his
LDSFAQ website under JeffLindsay.com. He has also long been blogging about LDS matters on
the blog Mormanity (mormanity.blogspot.com). Jeff is a longtime resident of Appleton,
Wisconsin, who recently moved to Shanghai, China, with his wife, Kendra.
He works for an Asian corporation as head of intellectual property. Jeff and Kendra are the parents of 4 boys, 3 married and the the youngest on a mission.
He is a former innovation and IP consultant, a former professor, and former Corporate Patent
Strategist and Senior Research Fellow for a multinational corporation.
Jeff Lindsay, Cheryl Perkins and Mukund Karanjikar are authors of the book Conquering
Innovation Fatigue (John Wiley & Sons, 2009).
Jeff has a Ph.D. in Chemical Engineering from Brigham Young University and is a registered US
patent agent. He has more than 100 granted US patents and is author of numerous publications.
Jeff's hobbies include photography, amateur magic, writing, and Mandarin Chinese.