Country happens to be in style. (Alleged) country music is everywhere. Nothing looks cuter with skirts than boots. People are using straw as wedding decor. Ditto mason jars. Arable land is being turned into subdivisions with country names. And the chick from Twilight is driving a truck.

But the country music is what my brother refers to as hick-hop. The boots are way too clean. People don't actually know how to use mason jars and straw is itchy. This is what we refer to as "all hat, no cattle."

So --

• If you call every four legged black and white animal that moos a "cow";
• If you believe that "fresh country air" is a real thing;
• If you have ever purchased manure;
• If you think dogs should run loose in the country;
• If you do not know what "sunshine" is;
• If you think giving kids .22s and opening the silo door is not appropriate entertainment;
• If it freaks you out to see a 5-year-old walk a half-ton animal;
• If a sunny day means recreation;
• If you have neighborhood rules that would make a cow giving birth on your front lawn awkward;
• If you think "just call 911" is a reasonable suggestion in an emergency;
• If your plan for getting bunnies out of your garden does not involve a caliber or smuggling
• fireworks over the Wyoming state line;
• If you think that farmers are "doing all right" because food prices are up;
• If you swim in places that have a lifeguard and you can see the bottom of;
• If keeping all your fingers is kind of big deal to you;
• If you go in the house when you get hurt;
• If you have never castrated an animal using instructions given to you in five minutes over a fence;
• If you think that Rocky Mountain Oysters are a freshwater mollusk;
• If you can't understand why anyone would need a gun;
• If you think that living in the country is "the simple life";
• If you have never gotten sick of steak, cream, eggs, or fresh vegetables;
• If you think 9 to 5 is a workday;
• If you can walk around your block in half an hour;
• If you refer to two or more different types of machines as "tractors";
• If your kids don't sleep outside to watch the stars;
• If you can't hear the difference between a barn owl and a mourning dove;
• If you have ever referred to a rodent as cute;
• If you go to bed at night secure in the knowledge that no one has smuggled in a frog, snake, half-dead baby bird, kitten, or that calf that was looking poorly into the house;
• If your son catching a clutch of baby snakes does not sound like a fabulous solution to a mice problem;
• If you do not own a vehicle or piece of heavy machinery older than you;
• If your 7-year-old can't drive;
• If it rains and your kids don't get excited about free water;
• If alfalfa is not in your top ten favorite flowers;
• If you believe that there is something more beautiful than a gentle wind across a field of barley;
• If you can function without seeing the whole sky the whole day;
• If you think that at 3am in the middle of a blizzard you should be asleep;
• If you have never gutted an animal using the headlights of a truck;
• If you don't know that "doctoring" animals does not involve calling the vet;
• If your kids won't test an electric fence by grabbing it;
• If you didn't know what "arable" meant --

You aren't country.

And you are missing a lot of fun.