"We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention."
This
past Friday, half of my Facebook feed devolved into sackcloth and
ashes while the other half erupted in rainbow-colored jubilation. I
am happy to rejoice with those that rejoice. I also understand that
there was real heartbreak. There were a lot of decent people who were
profoundly saddened by the Supreme Court ruling on marriage.
But
as I watched the happy dances and sorrowful resignation, I was taken
aback but what had not happened.
The
Supreme Court of the United States of America did not create
marriage. They did not end it either.
For
more than 25 years, one of the most popular TV shows has been “The
Simpsons.” For more than a quarter of a century, viewers have
tuned in to watch Homer Simpson bumble through the simplest
activities. He is a terrible employee. He is an ineffectual father.
He is a useless, if occasionally sweet, husband.
Homer
is in good company. TV is populated almost entirely by families
without fathers or with the father as a punchline. Fathers on
commercials trash the house, can’t care for babies, and are
constantly rescued by their capable wives.
See,
it’s funny because men are dumb and useless. Women had their
turn. Silly, illogical, overwrought women worried about dresses and
men indulged them while calmly running the world. Advertisements
suggested a wife might need a spanking. Women were cautioned that
their dishpan hands would cause their husband to stray.
I
have been in Relief Society and heard jokes about men. Good men.
How
do we create vibrant partnerships with people we don’t respect?
How do we build a family with someone who is a punchline?
Our
culture portrays falling in love as the high note of a
relationship. In movies, getting together is the obstacle that must
be overcome. Once together, we cannot imagine anything interesting or
glorious or passionate happening.
Movie
Stars who have been married for a matter of months give advice on how
to keep marriage “hot.” People complain about the lack of
romance in an old marriage.
We
have not made long marriages a treasure. We do not make many movies
about the sweetness of always and forever. We don’t see or hear
depictions of the indescribable bliss that comes after too many
fights and lots of years and lots of heartbreak that fade away to
leave two people at peace and welded together.
We
make passing mention of long marriages. But we do not remind others
or ourselves of the joy and peace and beauty those many years
represent.
We
have made much about being young and beautiful and even foolish. How
do we value marriage when we overlook the glory and power of all the
unromantic silences and gentle moments?
We
have twisted marriage. We have made marriage a container. In it must lie
happiness. Should the container empty, there is nothing more to be
done. We are assured that children will be better off with happy but
separate parents. Marriages end because people are not happy or no
longer feel “in love.”
We
do not mention that the griefs that make happiness difficult may also
make us better people. I started my own marriage as a giant pile of
prickles and sharp edges. The ensuing years have knocked a great many
edges off. I still have many. But my husband knows me through and
through. So he just steps carefully over the sharp points.
I
am better for the hardness and harshness I had to forsake. I did not
enjoy the breaking and wearing down of my edges. But I love life
without them.
I
am not suggesting that no marriage should ever end. That some
marriages must be ended illustrates the way we treat marriage. A
cruel spouse is destroying marriage with every ugly word or deed. An
unfaithful spouse has twisted marriage and destroyed the precious
gift of fidelity. It is a heartbreaking and ugly attack on marriage
when a spouse is not safe at home.
There
are implications. Marriage is being delayed. The divorce rate is
high. But the cynicism rate is higher. Every marriage that wounds or
injures feeds the notion that marriage is a dicey proposition.
Participation in marriage dwindles each year.
We
had already endangered marriage. We have made a mockery of “I
do” by meaning “I might.” We have forgotten that
the intent of this life is to become, not to be.
Let’s
save marriage. We can be more patient, more grateful, more tender and
kind. We can make sure that our children know how much we value our
marriages. We can share the joys that come with the years. We can
fail to laugh at unfunny jokes. We can defend and protect our
marriages and spouses with renewed vigor.
While
others rule on the rights of marriage, we can honor the privileges of
marriage. We can let the battle for marriage remind us that marriage
is a treasure to be won. We can let the cheering and jubilation
remind us how sweet and precious marriage really is.
I am me. I live at my house with my husband and kids. Mostly because I have found that people
get really touchy if you try to live at their house. Even after you explain that their towels are
fluffier and none of the cheddar in their fridge is green.
I teach Relief Society and most of the sisters in the ward are still nice enough to come.