Question:

I am new in my ward, and I am expecting my fourth child. I work in Young Women with some very friendly sisters.

The other day, one of the Young Women leaders approached me and asked if she and the other leaders could throw me a baby shower. I was caught off guard and stammered something about this being my fourth baby and not really needing anything. She replied with great enthusiasm that they love throwing parties and really wanted to do a shower for me. I didn’t want to be rude, so I said okay.

Now I’m kicking myself. I don’t want a shower! Why didn’t I just say no?

Yesterday, the sister in charge of the shower asked me for a guest list. I don’t even know anybody! I can’t invite total strangers to a baby shower for my fourth child! They’ll think I’m greedy! But if I cancel, they’ll think I’m weird and that I don’t like them.

I need a way out. What should I do?

Answer:

Well, you’re doing a pretty good job of kicking yourself for not saying no, so I won’t pile on. Because saying no was, obviously, the easiest solution.

You might have put a touched and grateful look on your face and said, “Oh, you are so kind to think of me. I am enjoying this ward and all of you so much. I feel so welcome here! But I really don’t need a shower. Thank you for offering. It’s very kind.” Any protestations, insistence, or pressed offers might have been met with a grateful smile, a shake of the head, and “Oh, no. But thank you.”

As with any refusal, you would not have given any reasons for refusing. If you had said, for example, “I have everything I need,” she would have said, “Oh, we’ll do a diapers and wipes shower! Every baby needs diapers!” which is true. Every baby does need diapers. And then you would have been stuck again. So you would have said only, “No, thank you.”

But now that you have accepted their offer, I think it would be overwhelmingly awkward to back out. These kind sisters do not subscribe to the general rule that showers are for first babies, and your sudden insistence on this rule would indeed be alienating.

So your goal is to smile and be gracious and keep the shower as small and simple as possible. You have two tools to accomplish this.

1. The Guest List

When I make a guest list, I usually try to include all friends of a similar intimacy or social circle. Invitations are social currency, and feeling left out is terrible. So, if I am planning a party, I will include all five friends in my daily social circle, even if I feel very close to Pam and Pat and less close to Rachel, Stephanie, and Roxanne. Including people is especially easy when planning showers, where the cost of adding another guest is a chair, some grapes, and a chicken salad croissant.

Fortunately for you, you are new in the ward and work in Young Women. Therefore, you have a ready-made parameter for your guest list: the Young Women leaders. If they insist that the list is too small, just keep repeating that a get-together with the other Young Women leaders will be perfect.

There is a theory that a big shower would introduce you to lots of new friends, but I’m not sure I believe it. Attending someone else’s shower is a great way to meet friends. But I agree that inviting a boatload of strangers to a baby shower for your fourth child seems greedy. Unless your home has burned down or you are a refugee or you are having your third set of twins or something. But you did not mention anything like that.

2. The Registry

Don’t register anywhere for anything. If anyone asks what you need, just say sincerely, “Oh, I’m sure anything you think of will be nice.” Then brighten, as if you’ve just remembered something, and say, “I’ve been meaning to ask you...” and ask a question.

You obviously feel very awkward about this situation. But now, you must relax because there is nothing you can do beyond suggesting a small guest list and not asking for specific gifts. Even if you arrive at your shower to find they have invited the entire ward, just pop your mouth into an O, raise your eyebrows, and say, “Wow! What a surprise!” Then act happy.

At the shower, take every opportunity to get to know the other guests. These seem like very thoughtful ladies. Ask them lots of questions and take an interest in their lives and ideas. Above all, try to make them feel as special as they clearly want you to feel.