A
friend of mine recently recommended a blog that claims to be written
by a member of the Church. I read the post she recommended and was
appalled. I knew she was interested in speculative doctrine, but the
blog seems deeply flawed to me. The more I look through its archives,
the more I feel this writer is trying to set himself up as a
spiritual leader.
I’m
concerned about my friend. Should I talk to her about it?
Answer:
Yes.
You should talk to your friend. I have not included the link to the
blog in question, but I visited it and I agree that it is way off
base.
Friends
often share and recommend things to each other. And in general, if a
friend recommends something to you, and you try it and do not like
it, you should not seek him out to tell him that you did not like it.
But
when a friend recommends or expresses an interest in something that
you know — or discover — to be false, fraudulent or
dangerous, you should speak up. You owe it to your friend to warn
him, to tell him what you know.
For
example, let’s say your friend tells you he is planning to hire
Ted Tinker to remodel his kitchen. You happen to mention Ted Tinker’s
name to your neighbor, and your neighbor tells you that Ted did a
terrible job on her kitchen and tried to cheat her. You now know
something that could change your friend’s decision.
Are
you going to sigh and shrug and say, “Not my business?”
No. You will tell your friend what you know.
Your
situation is similar. Your friend shared a blog post that piqued her
interest. You investigated the blog (perhaps more thoroughly than she
did) and found that it had serious factual and doctrinal flaws. Are
you going to sigh and shrug and let it go, perhaps even leaving the
impression that you agreed with the blog or found it unremarkable?
No.
I don’t think you should. I think you should share with her
what you thought about it.
Approaching
your friend may take courage. Confronting a friend is uncomfortable
for most people. There seem to be so many reasons not to speak: you
should mind your own business, you should not judge, you should not
criticize, you want to seem open minded, you don’t want to
offend or, if this is an online friend, start a flame war.
Even
if all of that is true, you must also consider your duty — to
the Church, to truth and to your friend. Your friend thought an
anti-Mormon blog full of false prophecy and false doctrine was neat,
for heaven’s sake. You need to talk to her about it. Not to set
her straight or embarrass her, but to tell her what you saw and felt
when you read the blog, and to give her specific information you may
have that refutes what you read.
Your
communication with her can be casual or formal in tone, depending on
your personality and your relationship with her. It may be longer or
shorter, depending on what you think she would appreciate. (Although
I think most people will respond more favorably if you address your
main concern rather than list and rebut twenty-two falsehoods in one
missive.) It could be more fact-based or more feeling-based, again
depending on what you know about her.
Avoid
condescension. This is tricky, because you are, in fact, asserting
that you are right and she is wrong about a spiritual matter that
involves judgment, knowledge and experience. So focus your
conversation on your specific critique of the blog and its contents,
not on your assessment of her spiritual well-being.
Instead
of saying, “I don’t know how you could fall for that
garbage,” say, “This is why I don’t believe what I
read on that blog.”
Back up your objections or assertions with reliable sources. Scriptures,
recent General Conference talks, documented historical facts —
cite these and include links, if you are writing to her. If she is
actually interested in scholarship on speculative or obscure subjects,
information from faithful, reliable sources will be valuable to her.
The Maxwell Institute,
FairMormon and the
Gospel Topics
page on the Church's website come to mind.
(As
a side note, in my opinion, “speculative doctrine” is a
polite way of saying “false doctrine.” Doctrine, by
definition, is well established and not speculative.)
To
get you started, here are some possible openers you could use to talk
or write to your friend.
“Hey
Diana — I read that blog. It seemed off to me. There’s
no way the writer could really be an active member. I mean, he’s
inventing new ordinances ....”
“Hi
Josie. I read that blog post you recommended. But his view on
baptism seems backwards. I mean, it totally contradicts what the
scriptures say in ....”
“So,
Ruby, I looked at that blog you sent me, and it felt like the writer
was really stretching his facts. I looked up that time period, and I
found that ....”
“Phil,
thanks for the link. The author quoted Old General Authority, but he
only gave part of the quotation. I thought you’d like to read
the whole thing. Here it is.”
“I
don’t know about that blog, Priscilla. The post you sent
wasn’t too weird, but the more old posts I read, the stranger
it got. I mean, the writer is inventing whole doctrines, and I
didn’t like how he criticized ....”
“So
I read that blog, Jane, and it reminded me that this topic was also
a big controversy in the 70s, and again in the 90s. I’m going
to send you a link ....”
“I
had three thoughts about that blog you sent me, Stella. First, ....”
Finally,
approaching your friend might make you uncomfortable, but I don’t
think you need to be nervous. If you listen and speak with kindness
and respect, it is unlikely that she will be offended. She seems like
a person who is interested in different ideas and perspectives, and
that presumably includes yours.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.