I actually went to a movie last month. I know going to a movie isn’t a big deal for most of you, but prior to this year the last movie I saw in a theater was The Passion of the Christ, which came out in 2004. I like to shoot for one real movie per decade.

There is a reason for this. There are people in movie theaters. People talk when I am trying to watch the movie. Even worse, people chew. They chew, and chew, and chew. And they chew loudly. I have a thing about loud chewing, and it really sets me off my feed. My idea of a nightmare is to be surrounded by hundreds of people, all chewing loudly and at the same time.

As far as I am concerned, sitting in a movie theater represents one of Dante’s nine circles of hell. It is probably the third one, which Dante defined as gluttony. But in all fairness, the talking bothers me just as much. As humorist Tom Lehrer once said, “I feel that if a person can’t communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up.” If you’ve paid to watch a movie, watch the movie.

Okay. I’m old. Old people get crotchety. What can I say?

Fluffy feels the same way I do about movie theaters, so we watch movies in our cabins on cruise ships, on television, or not at all. But we usually don’t even miss them. Most of the movie trailers that are even mildly interesting to us end up being rated R, and we tend to stay away from those because of the raunch factor. (“R” does stand for “raunchy,” doesn’t it?) But I digress.

This year we went to see The Saratov Approach, which was a movie based on a true story of Mormon missionaries that were kidnapped in Russia. You probably didn’t see it because it was only shown on a few screens in the United States, but one of them happened to be only ten miles from our house.

We went during the day on a Thursday, when there were only six people in the theater. I am glad to report that none of them were talkers or chewers. It was a great movie. You should go see it, even if you aren’t a Mormon, except that it’s probably gone from the theaters now and you’ve missed your opportunity. Bummer. Maybe you can find it for rent later this year.

We had such great success going to see The Saratov Approach that when the television commercials for the upcoming movie Noah started running, Fluffy and I decided this was definitely a movie we were going to see. This was going to be a two-movie decade for the Kidd household!

We were fascinated to see the trailers. It was an all-star cast. Noah was a big-budget biblical epic, just like the Cecil B. Demille classics that were popular when we were kids. In fact, it was the first one that had been produced since we were kids, so it was a real milestone. We needed to support it, so there would be more just like it.

But then the ugly rumors started surfacing. Apparently Noah’s story had been Hollywoodized on its way to the movie theaters. God, Who once had a starring role in the story, barely makes a cameo appearance in Noah. And instead of inspiring a prophet, this Babylonian deity inspires Noah to kill his family, channeling Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

Don’t get me wrong. I really liked Jack Nicholson in The Shining. I thought he gave a fabulous performance. But when I think of prophets, I don’t think of wild-eyed crazies with butcher knives who are out to kill their children and any other hapless human beings who get in their way. Jack Nicholson is not the person who comes to mind when I’m casting a prophet of God.

So from what I’ve read of Noah, here’s what we’re supposed to believe:

• The earth came about because of a generic entity known as the Creator (using the name God might offend someone).

• Human beings are bad. The Creator must not have created people, because people are horrible creatures that eat animals and kill the planet and must be eradicated.

• The flood came to punish mankind for being bad to the environment. (Gee, was there global warming in Noah’s time? Was there a Biblical Al Gore who stole the Babylonian Peace Prize from a Biblical Mother Teresa?)

• God (oops, the Creator) tells prophets to kill all the people so animals can have the earth.

• Rock people come out of the earth, ostensibly to help prophets kill people and help the animals.

By the way, until all the people can be killed off, virtuous people are supposed to be vegetarians. Sorry Texans. It’s time to turn off those barbecue grills, unless you’re grilling veggies.

Don’t you hate Hollywood? Sheesh. Only they could take a simple Bible story and turn it into a pot of politically-correct hash.

So we aren’t going to see Noah. I’m betting that after the opening weekend, nobody else will, either. And then the pea-brains in Hollywood will say they can’t make any other Biblical epics because nobody goes to see them.

Wrong, idiots! It’s because you don’t put God in them! Put God in your movies, and then see if people go to see them.

Fluffy and I are voting with our feet and not going to see Noah this year. Well, he’s voting with his feet and I’m voting with my cinderblocks that I call feet. Sorry, Hollywood. You’ve lost our lucrative one-movie-per-decade business.

But on second thought, maybe we are going to see two movies this decade. You see, Son of God is still playing in a theater near us. Fluffy and I need to show Hollywood that films like this — where the producers are believers and where God is more than an afterthought — deserve to be made. I think we are going to the movies this week.