My
nine-year-old daughter came home from school last week very concerned
about her gym class. The teacher, whom we have always liked, brought
in a game console and dance game from home for the children to play.
My daughter was concerned that the song lyrics and dance moves were
not appropriate.
I
looked up the game and the song, and sure enough, they were not
appropriate, especially for children. I emailed the teacher, told him
how much I appreciate his efforts, and expressed my concerns about
the game. I asked if they could use the kids’ version of the
game, which I know is available.
The
teacher replied with a lengthy, and very defensive email. He said no
one else had complained about the game and that the game was rated E
for Everyone. He said it was his personal equipment, and he could not
afford to buy a new version of the game. He also said my daughter
would be excused from participating in the future.
I
don’t want my daughter to be excused: I want her to participate
in an age-appropriate activity. Do you have any suggestions about
what I should do next?
Answer:
I
think you have already done a couple of things right in this
situation.
First,
you listened to your daughter’s concerns. When your child is
concerned that something is not appropriate, you don’t want to
brush off her feelings. You want to encourage her personal
discernment and evaluation of the music she is presented with. But
you also investigated her concerns. Children do not always perceive
things accurately, so evaluating the game for yourself was wise.
Second,
you contacted the teacher and expressed your appreciation before you
expressed your concerns. It is always easier to hear criticism from a
friendly source. And in this situation, where you are essentially
accusing a teacher of exposing children to inappropriate materials,
it was wise to strike a friendly tone.
Third,
even though the teacher’s response was not entirely what you
had hoped, you are still working on the problem. I agree that
excluding your daughter from gym class is not a good solution. Asking
the teacher and school to provide “age-appropriate” music
and choreography is a reasonable and achievable request.
I
don’t think you should be put off by the teacher’s
defensive response — it is entirely expected given your
concern. Also, if he thought the game was appropriate, he might feel
a bit offended that you are asserting that your standards are higher
than his.
I
have three suggestions for what you could do next.
One,
talk to other parents individually. If you find other parents who
share your concern, tell them that you have contacted the school and
asked that the children play a similar game that is age-appropriate.
Encourage
them to do the same. Be sure to express that you like and support the
teacher and his efforts to engage the children in fun activities,
especially if you know he has limited space and equipment to hold gym
classes.
What
you want to avoid is making a huge deal of this and getting the
teacher in hot water. There are probably many parents at your school
who have no objection to this game. Many of them probably play it at
home, and think it is fun and wholesome entertainment. You don’t
have to agree with them. But you should consider that you might be
part of a very small minority. That shouldn’t cause you to drop
the issue or change your mind, but it should cause you to tread
respectfully.
Also,
gym class activities change all the time. You may not want to spend
too much time on this problem if they are going to move on to a new
activity next week.
Two,
buy a copy of the game you would rather be used, and donate it to the
school or to the gym teacher. Before you do, contact the gym teacher,
and ask if he would use the new game if you sent it in. You could get
contributions from other parents, or you could just buy it yourself.
You should preview the game to make sure it meets your standards.
A
similar solution would be to discover which songs on the game are
appropriate, and which avatars are modestly dressed, and ask that
your daughter be allowed to participate only using those songs.
Three,
if neither of these solutions works, call the principal and explain
the problem. Again, start by saying how much you enjoy the school,
how much you appreciate the gym teacher’s creativity and
generosity in bringing in his personal equipment, how glad you are
that dancing is part of gym class.
Then
express that you are concerned that the game is designed for older
children, and that the lyrics to such-and-such song are not
appropriate. Explain that the gym teacher has offered to excuse your
daughter from class, but that you want her to participate in a
version of the activity that she feels comfortable performing.
Then,
offer a solution. Ask if the school could purchase a copy of a
child-friendly dance game, or offer to provide one. Close the
conversation by again expressing your support of the teacher and
school.
You
may not get an immediate response. It is likely that the principal
will want to talk to the gym teacher, look at the game, and craft a
response. If it turns out that the principal agrees with you,
terrific.
If
the principal does not agree with you, and tells you that your
daughter will continue to be excused from gym class when that game is
played, you will have to decide how far to push the issue. You can
certainly continue the conversation with the principal. You can also
contact the other concerned parents and ask them to talk to the
principal.
In
the end, though, your power to change the situation is limited
(despite what you may read in women’s magazines about the power
of one woman to take a stand and make a difference).
I
suppose you could take the issue to the school board or some other
governing body, but you need to decide (1) if that would achieve
anything and (2) if that would be a wise use of your time, which is
both valuable and limited.
Part
of being Mormon is learning when to gracefully sit out of an activity
— or leave a movie, depart from a party, or excuse yourself
from a conversation. This could be a defining experience in which
your daughter can stand up (or sit out) for what she thinks is right.
It
was she, after all, who initially thought the music and dance moves
were inappropriate. If she can learn at a young age that she doesn’t
have to go along with the crowd, that it’s okay to do what she
knows is right even if it means missing out on some fun, she will
have a happy life.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.