I
didn’t get anything that I wanted for my birthday this year.
Well, my dad did give me a tasty treat I really like, but everything
else was a bust. It makes me think my parents and husband don’t
know me at all. And
yes, I do feel dumb for feeling this way when I’m old enough to
be married.
But
what can I do? Besides grow up, I mean. That’s obvious.
Answer:
Well,
hold on. What did you do when you received the gifts?
Did
you smile warmly and say, “Thank you?” Did you express
gratitude to the people who were kind enough to spend their time and
treasure on your behalf? Did you reflect on their thoughtfulness —
or, at the very least, their compliance with the birthday protocol
you expected (i.e. a gift) — even though the actual items they
purchased were not what you would have chosen for yourself?
If
you did these things, congratulations. You successfully acted like a
grown up. You graciously received these gifts and put the feelings of
your family members above your own. You behaved in a way that
communicated gratitude instead of petulance. You kept your
unflattering emotions to yourself, to be explored at a later time in
a private place. This kind of self control is a hallmark of maturity.
On
the other hand, if you scoffed at the gifts, complained, rolled your
eyes, or said any of the following, you behaved badly: “That’s
not what I wanted.” “It’s the wrong color.”
“Why didn’t you get me the big one?” “I’m
not wearing that.” “What am I supposed to do with this?”
These
responses are not even childish — they are selfish and rude.
They show a total lack of consideration for the feelings of others.
If you think you were disappointed about a gift, imagine the
disappointment of the giver who knows his gift was a total flop.
Do
not fall for the nonsense that a gift-giver wants to know where he
went wrong. That it’s important to critique a gift so the giver
will do better next time instead of wasting money on something you
don’t like. That it’s dishonest to let the gift-giver
believe you liked his gift when you actually didn’t. All of
these excuses are merely justifications for selfishness.
A
tiny number of people will want to know why you find their gifts
defective. They may feel they have let you down by not finding the
perfect item. Or perhaps they truly do not care if you don’t
like their gift. But the vast majority of people will feel
embarrassed and offended if you explain the deficiencies of their
gifts. They will wonder why you can’t just be grateful, and
will not want to give you anything else ever again.
If
you responded rudely to your birthday gifts, you should apologize to
your husband and parents. And you should resolve to act graciously
next time. But if you responded graciously, I think you can feel
satisfied that you behaved well.
It
is tempting to say that you should simply be less materialistic. That
if you cared less about acquiring stuff, you wouldn’t have this
problem. That could be true. If you are upset that your presents
weren’t extravagant enough, you should stop being greedy. You
should learn to appreciate the thought and effort behind what other
people give you. And you should feel ashamed for demanding expensive
things from other people.
I
don’t think you are necessarily greedy. Still, it seems that
you are expecting too much, and not appreciating what you have. You
still get birthday gifts from your mother and father, for
goodness sake. So perhaps what you really need to do is adjust your
expectations in two ways.
First,
you need to change your expectations for your birthday. Instead of
expecting a day when people fete you and give you awesome presents,
expect to receive simple good wishes from close friends and family.
You are an adult now, and you are hopefully maturing from a person
who expects to be celebrated into a person who is grateful for any
kind wishes that come her way.
Do
not expect your parents to spend much time agonizing over what to get
you. In fact, you should not expect them to get you anything
at all. Those days are over. Although many parents of adult children
do spend considerable time selecting gifts for their grown
progeny, I should hope they are motivated by the joy of giving and
not by the unreasonable expectations and demands of ungrateful
grown-up children.
Second,
you need to lower your expectations for other people. You should not
expect your mother, your father, or your husband to magically know
what you want for your birthday, no matter how much they love you or
how long they have known you. They are not mind-readers.
Some
spouses have the talent of knowing exactly what the other person
needs, wants, or is feeling. But most spouses do not have that
talent. In most marriages, as in most relationships, if something is
important to you — or bothering you — you need to speak
up. And when you want to know what your spouse is thinking or
feeling, you need to ask.
You
cannot say, “If he really loved me, he wouldn’t have to
ask.” That’s ridiculous. Plenty of people who love each
other rely on talking instead of guessing. It is unrealistic to
believe someone can divine your needs and wants just because he loves
you.
So
if receiving nice or meaningful gifts is important to you, you need
to tell your husband. He is the only person I can think of from whom
you can properly request — not demand — a gift. Have a
conversation in which you discuss (1) whether gifts are important to
each of you, (2) how you feel when you receive a wonderful gift, and
(3) what, in your opinion, makes a meaningful gift.
For
example, you may feel more love from receiving something small and
thoughtful than from receiving something expensive. Or he might feel
appreciated when he receives a small luxury that he normally forgoes.
This
conversation should not take place the day after he has failed
to satisfy you on a gift-giving occasion. And it is not the time for
you to present a shopping list of things you want. Ideally, it would
take place a day or two after he has delighted you with the perfect
little something.
If
gifts are not particularly important to your husband, he may be
surprised at the weight you give them. He may even disapprove of your
attitude about receiving gifts. Be sure to listen to what he has to
say.
Your
family and his family may have vastly different traditions and
practices surrounding gifts. He may have odd notions, like believing
that gifts should never be returned, or that no suggestions are
allowed.
Then,
work out a way the two of you will communicate about gifts so that
you are exchanging things you want, while preserving the desired
element of surprise, and not wasting money on items nobody wants.
However,
remember that discussing your feelings with your husband does not
mean you will get your way. No matter how clearly you explain your
wishes, your husband may not agree with you. His objections could be
financial, moral, aesthetic, practical, or emotional. Do not make the
mistake of thinking that he will agree with you if you can only
communicate effectively with him. A person can perfectly comprehend
another person’s point of view and still disagree with it.
Communication
helps people understand each other; it does not necessarily cause
them to agree with each other.
I
suggest a little routine when a gift-giving occasion is approaching.
It might go like this: He says, one morning, “Darling, your
birthday is coming up.” Regardless of how much you are
anticipating your birthday, you respond, “Oh, is it?” He
says, “Yes. I was thinking that you might like a gift. Is there
anything you think you might like?” You say, “Well, come
to think of it, my running shoes sure are worn. I’d like to go
to Run-O-Rama for a new pair.”
The
tone of the conversation should be casual, not demanding. Your tone
should say, “I’m lucky to have such a thoughtful
husband.” It should reflect gratitude, not entitlement. Of
course, you should not suggest to your husband anything that is
beyond your budget.
You
can respond in a similar way to your mother if she asks what you’d
like for some occasion. But you should not be the one to bring up the
topic or volunteer what you want. You are an adult now, and you don’t
get to demand presents from your mom. Instead, you get to be
delighted and grateful for her generosity and love.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.