I
am fairly new in my ward, and many people have invited me and my
family to do things with them. I have made one friend in particular,
and we get together frequently.
I
am never sure, when I get an invitation to a play date, whether or
not my friend has also been invited. Is there a way for me to find
out if these events are open to everyone?
My
bigger problem is that a lady in my ward always comes up to me when I
am talking to my friend, and asks if I am going to such-and-such
party, or says she heard how much fun I had at so-and-so’s
house over the weekend. It makes me very uncomfortable because I have
no way of knowing if my friend was also invited to these events. I
don’t know what to say to this lady or to my friend.
Answer:
You
seem to be worried that your friend will be hurt if she learns that
you have been invited to something she has not. And that could be
true. No one likes to feel left out.
At
the same time, remember that friends, even close friends, don’t
have to do everything together. It is not disloyal to a friend to
spend time with someone else. In fact, many people prefer a little
space. Your friend almost certainly has social engagements that do
not involve you. She might have declined the same invitations you
accepted.
Remember
that the problem you need to deal with is the embarrassing questions
from this other lady, not the mere fact that you are attending social
events to which your friend was not invited.
So,
to answer your first question, the easiest way to find out if an
invitation is open to anyone is to ask. “That sounds fun —
I’ll be there!” you might start. “Who else is
coming?” If the invitation is for a particular group, your
hostess will probably respond, “Oh, Katie and Ashley, and
probably Jenny, if her twins are better by then. We usually like to
get together once a week so the kids can play.”
If
it is a general invitation for anyone and everyone, she will probably
say so: “Well, everyone is welcome, but usually it’s just
Callie and Jamie and me.”
If
you are not sure, even after asking, whether the invitation is open
to everyone, assume it is not. As you attend various events and ask
if the people get together often, or who usually plans events, you
will figure out how they are organized and whether you are free to
invite additional people to them. And, of course, you can always
invite people to an event you have planned.
Please
note that you may only ask who is coming to an event after you
have accepted the invitation. It is unseemly to ask your hostess who
else she has invited and then decide if you want to go; it
will look like you are only interested in coming if certain people
are (or are not) there.
Also,
you cannot ask your hostess if she has invited a particular person.
Because if she hasn’t, you have just made your hostess admit to
excluding someone, which (1) is awkward even if it’s not a
breach of manners and (2) will put unfair pressure on her to change
her guest list.
Now
for the lady who asks nosy questions when she ought not.
This
lady is what is known as a busybody. She likes to know everyone’s
comings and goings, and she likes for people to know that she
knows their comings and goings. I imagine it makes her feel connected
or powerful. Or perhaps it makes her feel like she has more friends
than she really does.
Whatever
the reason, she is breaking a cardinal rule: It is rude to talk about
invitations in the presence of people who have not received them.
Unless you absolutely know a person has been invited to an
event, you should not mention the event around him. Instead, you
should talk about something else.
But
let’s not be too hard on this busybody. It is kinder to think
of her as merely clueless than actively malicious. Either way, you
can’t change her behavior, and you can’t call her out for
being rude (because that is the height of rudeness). All you can do
is try to manage her behavior and mitigate its consequences. Here are
three ideas for you to try.
Idea
1: When you see this busybody coming, say, “Excuse me for a
sec,” to your friend and walk towards the drinking fountain or
your child or some other destination. This might put you out of range
of the busybody, thus solving your problem. If the busybody
intercepts you anyway, you will be able to confront her questions on
your own, away from anyone else.
This
will only work once or twice on any given occasion. You can’t
just keep walking away from your friend unless you have a good
reason. But it’s worth a try.
Idea
2: Don’t answer the question. For example, if the busybody
asks whether you are attending Colleen’s baby shower on
Saturday, you might respond with, “Tiffany! How are you today?
How is your foot? Have you been able to run on it this week?”
Then you can launch into a discussion of her foot. She might circle
back around to the baby shower invite, but she might not. So it’s
worth a try.
Idea
3: Answer the question. But briefly. Your goal is to not
be a font of information. If she asks you whether you liked the game
night last week, say, “Sure,” or “Yes.” Then
change the subject. Once
the busybody moves on, you have three options with respect to your
friend.
One,
simply resume your conversation, pretending that neither you nor your
friend were bothered by the busybody’s questions. If your
friend is the kind of person who prefers to act unperturbed in public
no matter what, choose this option. If she does not seem bothered,
don’t prompt her to be otherwise.
Two,
look as if you might want to say something critical but are not, out
of plain good manners. You might take a slow breath, look at your
friend good naturedly with raised eyebrows as if to say, “That
was interesting!” and move on with your conversation.
Don’t
be contemptuous or sarcastic. Don’t roll your eyes or insult
the busybody. Insulting her is unkind and will only make your friend
feel more uncomfortable because she will be forced either to agree —
and now you’re gossiping — or disagree — which will
be essentially calling you out even though the busybody was the rude
one — and she may not want to do either.
Three,
if your friend seems upset, turn to her and say quietly, “I’m
sorry. That was really embarrassing. I don’t know why she said
that.” This candor is okay — you can properly acknowledge
the slight suffered by another person. If your friend is graceful and
polite she will say something like, “Don’t worry about
it,” or “That’s just Tiffany.” She will save
any further discussion for a private time and place. And you will nod
and accede to her point of view, and move to another subject.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.