My
teenaged daughter is friendly and outgoing. She has recently become
friends — just friends—with the teenaged son of our stake
Young Women president, who is in our ward.
I
didn’t think anything of it until I heard from several people
that the stake Young Women president has been telling other women in
our ward that my daughter is “trouble.” Apparently, her
son and my daughter and several other friends were sitting in a car
together after an activity one night. But what’s wrong with
sitting in a car with your friends?
I
don’t know what to do about this stake leader. I’m pretty
new to my ward and stake, and she has lived here for years.
Answer:
You
believe the stake Young Women president is gossiping about your
teenaged daughter. It could be true. Or there could be more to the
story. You should talk to her about it.
As
with any difficult conversation, you should start by giving this
sister the benefit of the doubt. The conversation should be private,
and in person. You might ask to speak with her after church in a
quiet classroom.
The
conversation could go like this: “Sister Davis, I’ve been
hearing that you have some concerns about my daughter’s
behavior. I know things can be misinterpreted, so will you please
tell me what you’ve said.”
Your
tone should be serious, but not angry. Because after this opening
line, you are going to listen to what she has to say. She might have
information about your daughter’s behavior that you do not. If
that is the case, you can say something like, “Thank you. I
will ask her about that. And the next time you have concerns about
her behavior, please call me. I felt very awkward hearing about your
concerns from other people.”
She
will likely apologize for not coming to you directly. You will
respond calmly, “Thank you for saying that. I will see you next
Sunday.”
What
do you do if she denies ever saying anything? If you are confident
that the people who told you are not embellishing or fabricating or
just trying to stir the pot (for example, if they had eavesdropped on
this sister’s private conversation with her son), do not accept
her denial. Say something like, “I’m sorry, but three
different people have approached me about this. I’m very
concerned that people think you are saying things about my daughter.”
If
you are very unlucky, her claws will come out. She will hurl
accusations at you and your family. You will try your very best to
keep your temper and not cry. You will say, “None of that is
true. But even if it were, it does not give you leave to talk about
my daughter.”
There
are three things you will not do. One, lose your temper. This might
be difficult, but you don’t want to get into a shouting match
or call her names. That is not a Christian way to handle a
confrontation.
Two,
threaten her. Don’t tell her that you are going to tell the
stake president or the bishop about her behavior. She is not your
child and you don’t need to threaten a consequence to her bad
behavior. (And if she really is a gossipy, drama-loving person, she
will probably beat you at that game.) However, if her gossip
continues, I think you would be justified in talking privately with
the bishop about it.
Three,
lose confidence in all stake leaders. Stake leaders are people. And
even though they ought to behave better than the general population
of the world (as should we all), sometimes they do not. You
are probably feeling the injustice of this situation. Here is your
daughter, condemned by the mother of a young man for doing exactly
the same thing her son was doing! How hypocritical! But this
injustice is as old as time. Many parents are perfectly willing to
excuse in their own child what they condemn in another’s.
This
is especially true when boys and girls pair off. There are some
people who see a boy’s romantic endeavors as something to be
expected and applauded, while a girl who behaves similarly is labeled
as “trouble” and “that kind of girl.” This is
not fair. But it is reality, and there is nothing you can do about it
but try to explain it to your daughter.
You
must teach your daughter that behavior that seemed friendly when she
was a child seems forward as a teen and will become untoward when she
is an adult. Children can rush up to an adult of the opposite sex and
hug him. Teens should not. Adults cannot. You are not ruining her
innocence or making her grow up too fast by teaching her this: You
are educating her on how to behave as a young lady and a grown woman.
So
consider whether her behavior actually needs to change. Where you see
friendly, do others see flirty? Where you see reaching out to include
others, do others see forward? Where you see kindness, do others see
romantic interest?
There
is a welcome place for flirtation, romantic interest, and even
forwardness in the lives of teenagers. But you must make sure that
your daughter understands what kind of behavior towards young men is
appropriate in what situations. And what kind of behavior will expose
her to unkind comments.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.