My young adult son,
for reasons that have nothing to do with worthiness, will not be
serving a full-time mission.
How do we handle
questions and comments about his missionary status truthfully without
giving too much personal information?
Answer:
I am assuming from
your question that your son is and wishes to remain an active church
member, but is prevented from full-time missionary service by some
personal issue that is neither widely known nor readily apparent.
He can therefore
expect to be asked by countless people who do not understand his
situation if he has put in his mission papers, when he will put in
his mission papers, if he has a mission call, if he has been on a
mission, and where he served his mission. These are very normal
questions to ask an active church member, and he should not be
offended or irritated by them. (Although, irritation would be
understandable if the same person kept asking the same question.)
The simplest way for
you and your son to answer these questions is with as much of the
truth as you wish to make public. You want to craft an explanation
that people can understand without any details that are too personal.
Try practicing out loud whatever explanation you choose so you are
ready to use it when the time comes.
For example, “He’s
having some problems with his ankle and couldn’t get approved
for full-time service.” Or, “He’s in the middle of
a medical treatment that can’t be postponed or easily
transferred.” Or, “He’s been excused from full-time
missionary service.” Or, if none of that will do, simply, “No.”
Then—and this
is critical—say something positive about what he will be
doing. This will communicate that you are pleased with his prospects
and not embarrassed. It will demonstrate loyalty to your son, and set
a tone for others to follow. Saying something positive will also help
you change the subject.
If your son does not
have a plan, he should make one. Everyone needs a plan.
You should expect
some people to ask further questions, such as what the medical
problem is. You should respond, “Oh, it’s nothing you
have to worry about. Please don’t worry about him.” If
the person pleads that he needs to know because his own son or
daughter has medical problems, tell him that the bishop can help him
get the information he needs.
There are some
situations where the full story should be told. His bishop, for
example, should know the whole story. And a very serious girlfriend
should be told the whole story if the relationship is heading towards
marriage. If her parents are church members, they will certainly want
to know, and it is probably best if your son tells them directly.
As with any issue of
personal information, remember that once you tell one person, the
information is out. Also remember that it is easy to reveal more
information later, but impossible to take anything back.
Unfortunately, you
will almost certainly hear unpleasant comments from some of your
church acquaintances. Expect nosy questions. Expect other parents to
imply that you are somehow at fault for his inability to serve full
time. Expect fewer social invitations to him from other youth, whose
parents want them “to spend time with kids whose lives are on
track.” Expect rumors that run the gamut of reasons a young man
cannot serve full time.
Expect to be hurt
and offended when these things happen at the hands of people who
should know better and who you thought were your friends.
And expect his
situation to be a problem when he wants to start dating seriously.
There are young women who will be put off by his situation. There are
parents of young women who will strenuously object to their daughter
seriously dating a young man in his situation. They will tell their
daughter to beware, they will say that he is not being honest with
her, and they will imply that he is unfit to get married in the
temple or at all.
What can you do?
You can live your
life—and he can live his—without reference to such
people. Your son’s good life will be its own best evidence of
his worthiness. You should speak of him approvingly and show that you
are proud of him.
You can strive to
not overreact to thoughtless comments that are not malicious. For
example, imagine that a sister in your ward asks if your son will be
serving a mission. You respond with your thoughtfully crafted
explanation, and she replies, “I never thought it would be Paul
who didn’t go on a mission. He was always such a good kid!”
This comment is
hurtful, but she probably did not mean it to be hurtful. Respond by
agreeing with the part of her statement that is flattering to Paul:
“He is a wonderful kid. He has such a gift for . . .”
and then say something sincere and complimentary about your son.
If you are
confronted with a blatantly unkind comment, you have several options.
Shocked silence is a wonderful option. As is a quiet,“No.
You’re quite wrong,” or “Excuse me.” Remain
polite. If you bite back, you will escalate an unkind remark into a
contentious confrontation, which will allow the speaker to excuse his
behavior by comparing it to yours.
So imagine a brother says to you, “I hear Paul can’t make
it on a mission. Young people today are so coddled. They just need to
get out there, stop complaining, and make it happen. He just needs to
have some faith!” You can look at him in shocked silence. Then
say, calmly, “That’s not Paul’s situation at all.
(Pause.) Will you excuse me, please?”
If you hear an
unfounded rumor about your son, respond directly by approaching the
rumormonger and confronting him with specifics: “Jessie, I know
you told Linda that Paul is not on a mission because of his
relationship with his high school girlfriend. That is not true.
Please don’t say that anymore.” But be sure you have your
facts straight before you accuse someone of spreading rumors.
You may be tempted,
in the heat of the moment, to set someone straight by divulging the
personal information you wish to keep confidential. Don’t do
it! Although it may seem satisfying in the moment, once you make the
information public, it will be public forever.
But over time, you
may find that telling people the actual reason he did not go is the
simplest way to handle questions. Of course, this depends on the
nature of his reason, but if the reason is something that you would
not conceal under ordinary circumstances, you may decide there is no
reason to conceal it in this circumstance, either.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.