My
husband and I are travelling back to our home state for Christmas.
Both my parents and his live in the state.
That
might sound convenient, but it is actually very difficult. No matter
what we do, one set of parents feels like we are favoring the other
set of parents. No matter where we are, we are constantly feeling
pressure to get to the other family’s activities.
To
make things worse, the two sets of parents live two hours apart. So
we spend a lot of our trip in the car being shuttled back and forth.
I
wish we could sneak into the state to visit only one family at a
time. Do you think that would work? If not, what else can we do
besides boycotting Christmas in Home State altogether?
Answer:
Sneak
into the state? If you think you get pressure and guilt trips now,
just wait until the un-visited set of parents finds out you made a
clandestine visit to the other set of parents.
What
you need is a better way to manage time and expectations during your
holiday trip. I suspect that each set of parents is feeling cheated
because you are shuttling back and forth so often that it feels to
them like you are never actually anywhere. I further suspect that
each set of parents is tired of waiting around for you to arrive at
family events.
Instead
of spending your holiday on the road between two locations, you need
to make a plan under which each family, including you and your
husband, gets some of what it wants. You will never be able to
eliminate the pressure — or even competition — you feel
from them. But you can lessen it by acting in a way that assures each
set of parents that you are sensitive to their plans and feelings,
and that you want to spend time with them.
Start
by sitting down with your husband. Discuss openly where you want to
spend your time during your holiday. This is no time for hints or
insinuations. Say what you have to say and listen to what he has to
say.
Call
your parents. Tell them how excited you are to visit them, and that
you will be splitting your time between the two families. Ask if
there are any family events of particular importance they would like
you to attend, such as Great-Grandmother’s 98th birthday party.
But tell them that you are still planning your trip and cannot commit
to anything until you make your final plan.
Once
you have this information, sit down again with your husband and
discuss what events your parents want you to attend. Then discuss
what events each of you most wishes to attend. Then discuss what
events you ought to attend.
Then,
draw a bright line down the middle of your trip and give each family
half. Think of it as two trips: one to see his parents and one to see
your parents. (If your two sets of parents lived closer to each
other, you could split your time by whole days or a couple of days at
a time.) Your goal is to stop the shuffle and concentrate on one
family at a time. Make sure each family gets some of what it wants.
Now,
a word of caution. When deciding how to divide your time, do not
simply give priority to whichever family “cares more”
about a particular event. If Family A is absolutely nutso about
Christmas Eve, or gives you a lot of grief for every moment you spend
with Family B, you should still rotate regularly to Family B and
their more sedate celebration. It would not be fair to favor the
gregarious and emotional over the sedate and balanced.
Similarly,
one spouse must not demand his own way about the holiday travel plans
on the grounds that the holidays are “more important” to
him. Said another way, one spouse should not hijack the other’s
holiday just because he can more eloquently express his preferences.
Any sentence that starts with, “It just won’t be
Christmas unless I can ...” is forbidden unless it ends with
“be with you.”
After
you make your plan, let your families know in advance when you will
arrive, how long you will stay with each family, what events you will
be attending, and when you will leave. Make sure to tell them as
well, very clearly, what events you will not
be attending. They might truly be shocked to find that “at my
in-laws” means you will in fact miss Grandma’s birthday
party. Although as a point of order, I would prioritize my own
grandmother’s birthday party over almost anything else I can
think of.
If you get some
push-back, respond with: “I know. I wish we could go. I just
love [name of event]. It’s really too bad that we can’t
make it. We are so disappointed.” If pressed, respond with: “We
just can’t. We’ve already committed to be with Family B
that day.”
Don’t expect to
make everyone happy.
Finally, during your
trip, be punctual and cheerful.
Arrive when and where you
said you would.
And act delighted to be
wherever you are. Show that you love and appreciate your families by
participating in their activities even if you don’t
particularly enjoy them. Part of the fun of being a grown-up is the
ability to arrange your life to your liking. But when you are
visiting with someone else, you have a responsibility to think about
what that person would like to do, and to be a good sport.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.